LONG LONG DAYS OF UNHAPPINESS AND SORROW or when will it stop hurting so much

More than a month ago, since my last post.

I haven’t been so well.

This was Matthias‘ birthday on 14.April, he would have turned 22, but is forever 21 now.

We celebrated with coffee and cake as we always do when there is a birthday in the family and even bought him a CD.

Frank and Danika sent flowers from Germany and I bought some white roses for him, as we had in the chapel for him last year.

Shortly afterwards my father in law died.

Here is a photo  of Matthias and him in 2009, when Grandpa took him to Germany.

My father- law’s name is Erwin and Matthias’ second name is also Erwin. I don’t know if this says something, but these are things coming up in my mind when I look at the picture.

And then I was back deep down into depression again, was lying in bed for 3 days crying mostly of the time. I am back on anti depression medication 2tabs this time. I have been to a psychologist. Feeling empty, trying hard to find my way back into life again for the second time for my remaining children and my husband.

But I guess until the 25.May is over this year, I will not succeed. This day lays over my life, like a dark cloud.

 

I do not have the strength to go to Yoga anymore. Maybe it is the winter time, as it is dark already when I should leave home for Yoga in the evening. I do not like the cold neither the darkness.

And I cannot find anymore art & craft things to do to distract me. Not working anymore. But I finished the blanket for little Sabrina:

,

and Frank took it along to Germany and from there it needs to be posted to Ireland, where my sister and Sabina live.

I hope next time I am posting will be a bit lighter and brighter.

Take care.

Love and light.

Claudia

 

GUILT or doing nothing at all for a while

I just read a quote on FB saying something like this: Why not doing absolutely nothing for a whole day- this is good for the soul

And I thought, well, might be true, but why do we feel guilty, as soon as we only think about doing absolutely nothing?

I even feel guilty sitting in front of the laptop, not dressed yet at 10h00 in the morning, even if it is  Saturday….my husband is getting his top up session with neuro balance brain optimising, Ralph is getting ready for BIWAK (Windhoek carnival season starting off today) No need to rush at all, but still this nagging feeling, go get a shower and get dressed, do something worthwhile, do the washing, clean the fridge…anything. But do something.

Being an estate agent now, working mostly from home and business being quiet at the moment is getting me down already. Feeling I am not doing enough, while waiting for people to call me about their property, even if I place ads, driving around canvassing (looking for houses) printing pamphlets and distributing them on various parking bays, I still feel guilty not ‘going’ to work, sitting at a desk (even if I do at home) from 8-5 ‘working”.

What defines ‘working’ for us? And what defines ‘doing nothing’?

For me working means doing something to get paid for, making a living. Doing nothing means to me,  doing something I do not get paid for, I have fun doing it, doing something not expected from me, like cleaning, doing the dishes and washing, cooking, shopping for groceries ect. Just doing what I love at the moment, like now, I feel like writing this posts.

We are so programmed by society, by our upbringing and about lots of other media, that we do not listen to ourselves, deny our own feelings about what might be good or bad for us, just want to please all others by doing what they expect from us, but not what we, our body and our soul might need the most at the moment. As soon as we do what pleases us the most at the moment, guilt is making its way back into our conscious, or at least this is the situation in my life. And it is hard to deny, to not listen to it, not jumping up, doing the dishes, sweeping the floor or rearranging the tupperware cupboard, but doing what makes you happy at the moment.

It is so ridiculous, knowing you deserve a time out, knowing that the cupboard was cleaned and rearranged the other day, but guilt it something someone planted into your conscious years ago by saying some odd phrases to you and you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Or find a button to just switch it off, not listening to the ‘you should do instead’ phrases. Blend them out. Easy to say, hard to do….any tips are welcome.

Its Monday again, was too busy doing nothing for the whole weekend, so I had no time to finish this post..ha,ha, just kidding….

Ok, Monday….I have not found a way yet, to overcome the terrible guilt I feel by not ‘really working’. I should be happy about knowing I did all I could to promote me as an estate agent, did some canvassing (no results) wrote some ads on FB, reading and answering my mail, confirming a house viewing for Thursday and being at the pharmacist, where we have a lady who is doing Bach Flower Remedy and getting some ‘help’ there for this nagging feeling of being restless, worthless, impatient, feeling guilty.

But I guess the best advice , I read again on Jutta’s blog today, is creating a mantra or affirmation, as she did overcoming the Monday blues by saying “Thank God it is Monday”.( And tomorrow we say “Thank God Monday is over…….)

Lets see if a mantra or affirmation will bring relieve.

What is your experience with doing nothing, guilt and affirmations? Or experiences with Bach Flower remedy or other homeopathic remedies at all?

 

This is one of the bach flowers in my remedy especially made for me: exactly how I feel right now…

Mustard
“Those who are liable to times of gloom or even despair, as though a cold dark cloud overshadowed them and hid the light and the joy of life. It may not be possible to give any reason or explanation for such attacks. Under these conditions it is almost impossible to appear happy or cheerful.” - Dr. Edward Bach
Keyword: Depression, deep gloom for no reason
Human indication:  When you feel depressed for no reason. Like a dark cloud that destroys normal cheerfulness.
Animal/pet indication:  If your pet seems depressed for no reason

And last but not least a few images  to cheer us all up:

Coloured Easter Eggs, any tips, news about Colour Therapy?

Amarula Cake made for Easter

My new hobby :crocheting bracelets

Any tips on crystals or semi precious stone beads? Heard to drill a whole into a crystals or stone will affect the vibration?

 

Ralph’s newest screen printing T-shirt, done yesterday evening

A few more granny squares for Sabina’s blanket

And have a lovely week.

Love and light.

Claudia

 

 

 

Best Moment Award (March 23, 2013) | Moment Matters

Best Moment Award (March 23, 2013) | Moment Matters.

Hi, this is another award, I will be proudly displaying in my sidebar and awarding 15 other lovely, inspiring blogs are my absolute delight to do.

Thank you

Awarding the people who live in the moment,
The noble who write and capture the best in life,
The bold who reminded us what really mattered -
Savoring the experience of quality time.

RULES:

Winners re-post this completely with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video recorded.

Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW set of people/blogs worthy of the award; and winners notify them the great news.

RESOURCES:

• What makes a good acceptance speech?
  • Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way
  • Humor. Keep us entertained and smiling
  • Inspiration. Make your story touch our lives
• Get an idea from the great acceptance speeches, compiled in MomentMatters.com/Speech
• Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

ACCEPTANCE SPEECH:

Hi everybody

I am so proud and pleased that my blog, which is really close up and personal, finds so many readers who appreciates my open heart writing.

It is almost 1 year now, that my son died in a car crash and writing about it as it is, helped me a lot, but getting so many comments and lovely thoughts from all over the world, from ‘strangers’ are so wonderful and you all helped me pushing through every step I had to go without my beloved son. I am really, really grateful for that and I hope, I am also an inspiration and help for other families going through the same or similar trauma and nightmares.

Thank you very much and

be blessed.

Love and light

Claudia

THE WINNERS OF THE BEST MOMENT AWARD ARE: randomly selected from all of my followers

1. Searching For The Happiness
2. Make Believe Boutique
3. the wind horse blog
4. Seth Adam Smith
5. Soul Train
6. Winter Owls
7. joannerambling
8. Living Simply Free
9. 5thingstodotoday
10. Africa far and wide
11. becomeanauthor
12. Fun girls live better!
13. Parenting And Stuff
14. Jutta
15. http://aninchofgray.blogspot.com

Don’t forget to celebrate with your followers! Tweet your success with hashtag #MomentMatters. Congratulations, winners!

HOOKED ON CROCHETING or funky bracelets

Being a bit restless again the last few days, it was time to find a new art and craft project.

As I am hooked on crocheting at the moment, being busy creating a granny square blanket for little Sabina, I remembered a quick diy I read on my favorite blog : Crocheting a bracelet, or necklace out of craft wire and beads.

This is the outcome:

Funky bracelets or necklaces, created in less than half an hour:

This is the art of craft project I love, easy, lovely and done in a short time, before one gets bored or rather impatient to get the finished result.

Me, as always going overboard, just wanted to try it, went to the craft shop and intended to only buy items for around 100.00 Namibian Dollars, but I came out with goods for 200.00 Dollars, as I couldn’t decide on colour of wire and beads (silver, which I actually wanted to buy was out of stock)This means I will have enough stock for about 20 more bracelets/necklaces and I will need an outlet to sell them for me, as I never will use all of them for myself.

I wish all of you a happy and lovely Easter Weekend.

Keep well.

Love and light.

Claudia

 

GOT AN AWARD TODAY or I am glad you like my blog

Today I have got an award from another blogger quirkybooks.

Thank you so much for this award, which you can admire in my side bar on the right side of my blog.

As I have already got it right to display the award and thanked my nominee, I still have to find

7 things about me, you still do not know yet

1. I am a sagittarius

2. I was afraid of dogs as a child, now  my dogs sleep with me in my bed

3. Even if I am living in a land (Namibia) where everybody gets exited when it rains, I do not like rain

4. I did a Reiki course and will start to practice Reiki soon

5. I have always been a non smoker

6. I have a certificate in Short Story Writing

7. I am trying to become a vegetarian, but haven’t succeeded yet. Tips and help are welcome

Now I have to nominate 15 bloggers for the award

1. tales of love and chocolate: from Jutta Dobler, my absolute favorite blog

2. Laurie‘s Pride in Photos blog

3. Jen and her Winter Owls blog

4. The Hurt Healer from Carolyn Hughes

5. Karen Kubicko

6. Living Simply Free

7. http://travelspirit333.com/

8. http://dirtnkids.wordpress.com/

9. Angela Inspire 1 Life Everyday

10. Valerie Valerie Davies blog

11. http://mydailyminefield.com/

12. Zen Doe Windhorseblog

13. http://willcraft4food.com/

14. http://sethadamsmith.com/

15. http://einfachtilda.wordpress.com/

These are all blog I regularly read and they are also following me, a huge thank you for that with this award.

I thank you all for being part of my blog.

INDEPENDENCE DAY IN NAMIBIA or a friend reunion

Today is a public holiday here in Namibia: Independence Day

And this is how I spent the holiday:

Going to my favorite cafe: THE TEAPOT in Ferreiras Nursery

Where I had breakfast with my son Ralph

I had the health muffins, but as the service was a bit slow today, when the muffins arrived I already had two cappuccino and I was full.

We took the muffins home in a ‘doggy bag’ and my son ate it in the afternoon, while I was visiting a dear friend.

Whenever we go the this cafe inside the nursery, I buy a flowering pot plant to set aside on the side board for Matthias

Coming back to a dear friend.

I haven’t seen my friend Manuela in a few month. Shortly after Matthias died, I wasn’t able to face a few people in my life, but today I had the impulse to call her and ask her if I could come by for coffee. She is actually living around the corner from where I stay, but I hadn’t the energy or strength to see her, as I was too busy with my own problems and coping with the trauma of losing a child and couldn’t stand to listen to somebody else problems.

Today I felt drawn to her and found the strength to face her again. Felt strong enough to listen to her problems and ups and downs in life and felt good to be there for her. And I am glad I did. We talked for hours and if she wouldn’t have to pick up her son I guess I would still be sitting there.

But as I said, she is just living around the corner and I am sure that we will see each other more often from now on.

Thank you Manuela for understanding my absence, even if we didn’t talk about it at all, but we chatted away immediately as if we have never been apart for month’.

I am glad I can face life and all ups and downs again and be of help just by listening to other people’s concerns.

Without getting treated by Neuro Balance, I wouldn’t be so far now and I am grateful to have done it, even it was quiet expensive, but it is worse every cent.

 

Have a great weekend (guess I can wish this already, as tomorrow is Friday)

and lots of love and light to all of you.

Claudia

 

Anyway,

 

THE LAST TWO WEEKS or the first two weeks

The last weeks were busy, but now I feel I need to relax a bit and see what is going on here in blogger world.

I even was nominated an award, which I need to attend to this weekend, thanks Carolyn, I will take some time to answer the questions and post the award on my blog this weekend.

The last two weeks or my first two weeks as an estate agent were great. I am proud of myself how much I achieved so far by taking it easy, not pushing myself and taking it slow. The surprise is that I am still progressing with this formula. A great deal more than I did when I started as an agent in 2011, when I ran around trying too hard to do everything and pleasing all at the same time, meanwhile loosing myself. Now I am confident, when a conflict arises I breath (my Yoga classes kick in here) and after a few minutes I feel fine and able to resolve it and go into it relaxed.

I even finished a few booties, remember I started crocheting, for my lovely niece in Ireland.

my niece Sabina

I sent off the booties today to Frank in Germany, my sister and my son will visit my Mom during the Easter holidays and we will see then if the booties will fit…

same pattern, but different kind of wool and needle sizes

It took me a while, about hundred sample booties, one bigger or smaller or skewer than the other, all landing outside, or rather say under the table for the dogs to play with, but I persisted and tried again and again, until I succeeded.

And again the magic is to stay calm…. fine I didn’t all the time…..but the magic word really is be calm and relaxed, breath and take it easy. Then you will succeed. That is what I have found out the last weeks and I hope I will remember my own words whenever the going gets tough again.

And it will, with Matthias’ birthday coming up in less than 1 month, his first birthday in heaven, yesterday being the 14th, his birthday is the 14.4., I can feel the restlessness, the overwhelming sadness and panic creeping up on me again.

But with my Yoga and my Reiki (I did the Reiki 1 course in February) I will be well equipped to get through it.

Jutta Dobler is both, my Yoga teacher and Reiki Master and you can link to her blog here. She is a lovely and kind person and I am grateful I have met her. She helps me a great deal to cope and to get back my inner peace.

Have a lovely weekend.

Love and light

Claudia

RELFECTION OF MY LAST WEEK or starting anew

The last week was a bit tough.

On Tuesday Ralph was admitted to hospital getting his knee surgery done (repair of acl), which he had torn during Christmas while participating in the annual Christmas Cup Soccer in Swakopmund.

As soon as the knee is healed a bit (six weeks) and getting used to the daily physio, which is crucial to get it back in shape and to normal usage, he will also take a gap year, most probably going to Germany as well.

As Ralph studied Sports Management and Coaching and Sports Conditioning Fitness Trainer, he knows about the physio exercises and is doing well. His goal is to play soccer again at the 2013 Christmas Cup in Swakopmund.

Friday I started my new career as an estate agent seeing a few clients on Saturday already and now I am more or less relaxing at home and finding some time to do a new post.

Not sitting in front of the PC from 8-5 anymore, using my lunch time to write posts and surf in blogger world (as I stayed at work during lunch) I neglected the blog a bit the last few days.

And now I am going to post some images of the last days  for you to see what we where up to here in Namibia.

The Logo of my new work:

Ralph shortly after the operation and his knee

trying to crochet baby booties, unfortunately all came out differently, so I decided to buy the real baby wool and the correct size hook and voila

a nice pair of ballerinas for my baby niece in Ireland

images of last Sundays outing to a family friend on a plot outside Windhoek

her lovely herb garden, suffering from the heat wave and no rain in sight

my favorite: Lavender, my little lavender plant unfortunately died , guess the decoupage pot was too small..

Ethean, my niece’s second child

and his big brother Tyler

and their mother, my niece Michelle

Tyler’s little friends, who can remember these PEZZI SWEETS  holders? I used to love them.

my husband and

I,

Sabina, my little niece in Ireland, she will wear the crochet ballerinas

a nice cappuccino I had on Saturday, even if I am mostly drinking tea now, every now and then I cannot resist one

Frank and my Mom in Germany on sight-seeing, viewing a huge passenger ship in Papenburg, he always sends images via Whats app

The ship

and last but not least an image of my beloved son Matthias, always on our minds, being away from us for more than 9 month now.

 

I wish you a lovely Sunday and a good start into the next week.

I will be out and  about around Windhoek on Monday, trying to find new properties.

Wish me luck.

Love and light

Claudia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Listening?

Reblogged from the wind horse blog:

At the paddock gate, stop to become horse.
The whirlwind of everyday thoughts has no useful place here
Leave grind-mind at the gate,
as you would your shoes outside the door of the temple

Listen! Listen with your fingertips, to the cold of the latch
Hear with your eyes, the beads of night-dew frozen now in splendid prisms.

Listen!  Become a great wide door to the heart…

Read more… 465 more words

reblogged from 'the wind horse blog' for my son Frank

THE MAGIC BEHIND or trust and believe

 

ONE OF MY PAINTINGS

Monday again and a whole new week before us.

This is the second last week here at the desk at my current work, most of you will  know by now, that I gave up my secure 8-5 job and that I am going back into the estate agent business. And I am trying to find out how I feel about it.

At the beginning, shortly after I resigned, I felt great, sure that I have done the right decision. But was aware of the possibility, that this could be only my euphoria, the excitement I felt for all the new tasks and hobbies in  my life recently.

I started with scrap booking, buying hordes and hordes of supplies, was enthusiastic for a few weeks, working way over midnight. These were the days, when I couldn’t sleep anyway, due to the trauma of the death of my beloved son Matthias. And suddenly the urge, the excitement and fun was over and I jumped head over heels into the next project: painting.

Again, I bought lots and lots of stuff, painted my heart out and soon, this phase was over again as well. Next project: candles.

I always was sure, that each craft was a hobby I would do for longer, but after a few projects, I felt the restlessness again inside me, to move on, to find something worthwhile to…I don’t know… maybe to distract me…to forget…to find something meaningful again. And each time my enthusiasm was fading again.

So the fear, that I made the wrong decision crept up in me every now and then, that the excitement of working as an estate agent again would be gone even before I really started.

It is still present. Well, as I said, every now and then the fear proclaims its right, but to no avail. Even the back up money, to cover for the next 2 – 3 month, while I might not earn a salary, popped up suddenly today. And I am showing my first property on Saturday.
What a lovely and pleasant feeling when all things fall into place.

And what is the magic behind this? TRUST AND BELIEVE.

And what of all the pales of art and craft supplies? It’s all more or less hidden away in the garage, taking up valuable space, my husband could have used better, and I am sure that I am sooner or later feel the urge to get it out again and create a few beautiful things. Just wait and see.

For now I am into knitting. I printed out lots of free patterns, but as soon as I read the abbreviations and instructions I get discouraged. So I just casted on a few stitches ( I am sure its called stitches) and knitting away, not sure yet if this will be a scarf when finished (I could send it to Frank in Germany, if it is finished before summer or even before he gets back home) or if it will end up into a nice blanket, sort of patch work art. Be surprised.

Do you have tips about how to conquer knitting patterns?

 

Have a wonderful week ahead.

Claudia