So here we are again, April again,and my beloved son would have turned 23 on April 14th. But he will be forever 21.
It is 2 years now, nearly 2 years now, he died a month after his 21st birthday, on May 25th 2012.
And so much has happened and changed since then.
We moved again, Frank is in Germany, trying to find a decent study place in the area of Stuttgart and Ralph started working and is more or less happy.
Seems our life is going on, or let me better say it started over, anew.
I should be happy and grateful, as I am flying to Germany in 1 week, but I am not. At least not happy .Why?
I want my old life back.
My life with Matthias on earth.
A happy, content family.
I don’t want to live this life.
I want to be happy again.
I don’t want to pretend anymore. Pretend that I am strong, ok, fine. I don’t want to be 2 persons in one anymore. One who pretends to be happy to make the rest of the world happy.
And one, when alone, so broken and sad, the Mom who is missing her child so much.
One who wants to take the heartache away from the two remaining kids on earth, who might be only pretending as well, that they are feeling good. Just to protect me.
I want our old life back !!!!!
I thought that I am ok and maybe I am sometimes, but at the moment I only feel sad, unhappy, worthless, ungrateful,crazy.
I am only sitting around staring into space and smoking a lot, only when I am alone.
I cannot even say it is tasty or becomes me well. For instance soothing my nerves or helping me to lose weight, but I do. (this is where the craziness comes in).
I am doing things I always disliked. And the things I liked, for instance cooking for my family or having a huge Sunday morning breakfast with the whole family are out since Matthias is gone.
I haven’t really cooked a supper for my family, like I used to do. And we are not having Sunday mornings breakfast anymore, except when we have guests. I haven’t read a decent book and cannot find comfort in doing any arts and crafts anymore, which helped me through the first year after Matthias died. And which I posted a lot here on my blog.
It feels like I am starting at point zero again. I just want to go away and be. Sitting alone in the mountains in a little hut, doing what I want to do, writing, relaxing, staring into nature and just be. Without any worries about others. Just be. And that is where the ungratefulness comes in.
I have a great husband and 2 other kids here with me, why can’t I find comfort in caring for them like I used to? Cooking dinner for them, baking cakes for them? Having fun with them? Being there for them like I should be and used to be? They are all I have now and my reason for going on. But I feel like I am failing for not being there for them as much as I used to be.
On the other hand I know that this is totally crap. I know that we are going through the tough time together, everyone in their own way, that we love each other, but it is not enough for me anymore. I know that, but I cannot feel it as much as I am trying. I cannot find a positive thought, making me feel better at the moment.
And I hope that this is only the time, the dates coming up now, Matthias’ birthday and his second death anniversary, making me feel sorry for myself and that I will be able to pick myself up again and go on with this two personalities of me. The one who wants her old life back, who wants her son back on earth, but mostly wanting her old personality back and the one who has no other choice than to live this life now for the sake of her family, for the sake of her own good.
Fact is when your child dies your life is being separated into two. One before the death and one afterwards. And I must find my way again to live with both. And after pouring my heart out again here on my blog I feel a little bit better and can see the silver lining at the horizon again.
Fact is I lost a lot. A son, a life, some friends and family, who I feel avoiding me, because of my new life, my new personality, my new me.
Which I did not choose, but have no other choice than to make the best of it.
But I also gained a lot.
A new life, or let me better say a different life.
With people getting closer to me than before. Who take and accept me as I am now.
Some are old friends, some are new friends.
And as I said before. I did not choose this. But I have to accept it. And so does everybody else. And we have to make the best of it.
Because it is our destiny.
And I am grateful for everybody who helps me along the way and being there for the different me now.
Lots of love
love you my son!!!!!
When I was on a lodge
Matthias loved afrikaans music as much as I do.
On our way to the lodge I heard afrikaans music and the lyrics kept spinning around in my head.
Sitting quietly outside my bungalow, I tried to write down what I was feeling.
Here are a few words, for all my afrikaans music loving friends and family.
ek sit hier alleen en elke grashalm sing jou wysie
elke voeltjie sing jou lietjie
ek is daar by jou
ek sien jou in die groen van die bos en my hart is vol
ek hoor jou fluister
ek is daar by jou
ek sien jou in elke wonderlike skoonlappertjie
wat rond om my vlieg
en ek weet
jy vlieg saam
hoog hoog bo die donker wolke
wat my hart laat staan
en my lewe duister maak
tog my engeltjie vlieg hoog
verby die donker wolke
en jy vat my saam in die lig
laat die sonstrale weer in my hart skyn
wat vir my se
ek is daar by jou
in elke reen druppeltjie
in elke sonstral
in die vars lug na die reen
is ek daar by jou
en ek voel my hart is vol
vol vrede en tros
vol van liefde van jou
ek is daar by jou
roep die wonders van die wereld
ek is daar by jou
en my hart voel lig
en die donkerheid verdwyn
vlieg hoog my kind
vat my hart saam
en wys my die lig
wat alles beter maak
Ek weet nie of all die woorde so geskryf word, maar dit is nie belangrik, solank ek en jy weet, wat ek bedoel
vlieg hoog my kind, vlieg hoog
my hart is vol liefde, vol van jou
Reading a facebook post today saying:
trying to see the positive site of life is not so easy
got me into thinking.
I always “preach” the positive thinking, re-post positive quotes, reading and collecting books about positivity like
The Secret and the sequels thereof
Doreen Virtue’s Angel books
Dr. John F. Demartini books
to name a few of my favorites.
And of course everything my dear friend Jutta Dobler writes.
But Am I living it as well as I “preach”it?
I thought so, but lately there are a few things bothering me a lot.
And this is the problem. Should I name it? Should I tell it? Or should I find a different approach to it? Is it only my Ego speaking, wanting to hurt me? Or is it just me, the whole me, body and soul, who is telling me to get it out, so it can start healing again?
After a few weeks of consideration and reading the sad post on facebook today, I feel obliged, by what or whoever, but I feel I have to write about it. and so be it.
Where do I stand here? After nearly 22 month since my beloved son Matthias died?
I have been on and off Prozac or equivalent to it, which made me gain over 15 kg. After my latest breakdown in April last year, I had to take double doses to cope. I am off Prozac since November last year again, started smoking instead, to get rid off the restless legs/ panic attacks feelings, which I still get in the evenings. Or I started smoking instead of eating my way through this awful feelings in the evening, to avoid more weight gain. And to try to reduce my weight.
Why? I always say it is not the outside but the inside what counts!!! And still people with their thoughtless comments about being overweight, being on a diet, not eating what they actually love to eat, just to stay thin and unhealthy!
Yes, unhealthy, not being overweight is unhealthy, being too thin is also unhealthy and an addiction. At least in my opinion.
Still I am trying to lose weight and cannot find out, if I am doing it for myself or just to please people, to avoid their comments and the way they look at me.
Or is it just the way I perceive it? Take on their views of it?
I am not doing only unhealthy things to lose weight, but also trying to eat and drink healthy food. I am trying to adapt the vegetarian diet and want to achieve to be a raw food eater. Drinking a lot of lemon water, eating and drinking coconut oil (a teaspoon full into coffee is very delicious) and trying to adapt healthier and cheaper ways of cleaning my house, e.g. vinegar and baking soda.
What about exercise? Good question. I am trying, but I finally realised that the trauma and all the medication had an effect on my physical body. Not that I was an exercise freak before, but sometimes I feel as if I am years and years older than I am actually am. I cannot get up out of a chair without experiencing joint pains all over. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my back hurts.I guess a side effect from all the Prozac? Or is this true, that a huge trauma can change your DNA overall? Please comment on this subject, if you have heard about it or experienced it as well.
And still, my answer to the question:
How are you?
And it seems, that is the answer some people are glad to hear. They expect it to hear. Oh, she is on Prozac, she should be fine…..so we can go on with our lives. Be it in person or via social media…..the people want to hear a lie, or so it occurs to me. Why would they ask then a question like that and be happy with my answer?
I could tell them over and over again, that I am not fine. I could tell them about my aches and pains, but do they actually want to hear it, or is it me, who does not want to get cut off, by their answer and avoid the truth:
Oh yeah, I also have this and this and this…..
I know that they care, but still I feel offended some times. Not understood. Being alone.
Even if I am emotional on a good track, I love my work with the kids, it keeps me going. My own kids are keeping me going. I can live with the loss of my son now, but this does not mean, that I will ever, ever forget him, will forever miss him, will ever and ever have the missing piece in my heart. Will forever be hurt by the loss of my child and the ignorance of some people around me, who I feel, treat me as:
Oh, Prozac, good she is fine, we can go on. No need to be there for her anymore, Prozac will do that job now.
Maybe I am wrong about that and as I have said, I know that certain people really care, but they do not show it to me. Or I cannot longer see it.
Maybe that is also only my perception of the situation.
I tried to figure out, if this is only my ego speaking and a few times I could turn it off before, but as it comes up time and again, I needed to tell it today.
My kids are the only hold I have and I will forever stand behind them and do whatever I can to make them happy.
I work really hard and so does my husband and we spent and forever will spend all our money on them. We did this before the accident and we will continue it now. Money has not the same grip on me as before the accident anyway. But this is hard to understand for some people. And actually I feel I do not have to explain myself here.
I am glad that my eldest son studied for 4 years and did not graduate due to the trauma of loosing his brother. Some say waste of money. I say, you cannot take the knowledge away, or give knowledge to someone due to a piece of paper.
I am glad that he got the offer of his best friend’s father to work for them in the panel beating/spray-painting department, to learn it from scratch.
Even if this is not what he had studied.
I am so grateful, that he is “back”. Alive, happy in his own way.
That is all that counts for me, not the lost money I have spent on his studies or that he has no graduation papers. I know what he is capable of and I need no more proof to just show off to the world.
My youngest son is in Germany at the moment, doing temp work for a year now, earning his own living. He is still looking for the right profession to learn.
Some call him to have an attitude and that he should take whatever comes his way.
I say, I am proud of him, not doing so, even if it would mean to pay all my money into his bank account to cover his monthly costs.
He has more or less a dream what he wants to achieve and to become, so he should go for it, even if he has to say NO a few times to opportunities, which would not be his dream carrier, but would earn him money.
So let him have an attitude, but he knows what he wants and lets nothing else stand in his way to reach it, just to please other people.
And this is called courage.
I have no fat bank account behind my name, but I would give all I have to him, in order to help him reach his dreams. And also for his big brother.
I do not ask rent or grocery money from my kids.
I do buy them clothes on my account.
I fill up the petrol tank for them and I am so grateful for every year they still spend at home with us.
This is not payable by any amount of money!
I will buy my child a ticket to come home for Christmas from my bonus every year, even if it means that I could not have a holiday on my own. To be with my son means more to me than money at the bank or a holiday at the beach.
Spoiled? Cannot work with money?
The well-being and the presence of my kids around me are all I need to live. And I so bitterly know, that money cannot buy everything. Even paying for a medical aid for years, couldn’t bring the ambulance, who might could saved Matthias’ life, in time to the accident scene.
In return I am getting all their love. And if they are unconditionally happy, even for a short time, gives me another step back into live. My kids are everything to me. And unconditional happiness is so rare in our lives since Matthias died, that we have to treasure it more than all the money in the world.
Where does this bring me back on the positive track again?
I guess it is still the fact that counts:
It is not the things people do or say to you which are hurting you, but your own perception of it.
But on the other hand:
Don’t do just to please others.
Speak your mind, carefully, and I hope I did here, to get a clear conscious again and to go on then.
The secret is to find the balance in all of it.
I have told what was lying heavy on my chest for a long time and while writing this post, my migraine was healed miraculously.
Feel free to take out of this post whatever you need along the way, or just ignore.
And for the writer of the starter facebook sentence:
Don’t be so hard on you. It is fine to have a bad day once in a while and hang out in sentimental and melancholic avenue, just make sure you turn out of it into the middle way again. Lots of love.
Love and light
Feel free to visit my Reiki Website here
Actually I should do some serious writing (some documents for work tomorrow). But after I did some digging and planting in the ground today, I feel so alive and full of energy, that I want to share this with you.
Digging and walking barefoot in and on earth is grounding energy.
Here is a lovely link where you can learn more about grounding techniques. And how you do it actually every day without being aware of it, at least before you have read this article.
These are the result of my planting and digging today.
All covered with bougainevilla twigs,in order to keep the dogs out. Hope it will help……
I even infused the planting process with Reiki to help it grow beautifully. Will update on results soon.
Have a lovely week ahead.
Love and light
Valentine’s is around the corner.
As I have recently started to give distance Reiki healing sessions, I am offering a 3 for one special during the whole of February 2014.
BE DIFFERENT AND TREAT YOUR LOVED ONES TO SOMETHING SPECIAL THIS YEAR. REIKI, A MASSAGE FOR BODY AND SOUL! OR GIVE YOURSELF A TREAT AND FEEL THE UPLIFTING, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE REIKI WILL LEAVE IN YOU AFTER A SESSION!
Just book one of the different distance Reiki healing sessions on my website during February 2014, mention Valentine’s special and receive 3 sessions for one.
more info : email@example.com
Please feel free to share or re blog this to help the loving energy Reiki has to offer to spread throughout the world and beyond.
Thank you for all your love, comments and shares in the past.
Have a lovely Valentine’s.
Love and light
The first month of 2014 is nearly over and I went back to work this week.
My son Frank went back to Germany yesterday and we are more or less back into our daily routine.
Routine I thought, how boring. So I decided to do something about it. Change the daily routine as easy as that.
Easy? Yes, just change your daily habits, I thought.
What is a habit? I once read that if you do something continuously for 21 days it becomes a habit.
So one of my habits is to set the alarm for a specific time in the morning, but when it gets off, I press snooze once or twice, before I actually get out of bed and into the shower. I could easily change that to setting the alarm to the precise time I need to get up and jump out of bed straight away, couldn’t I? I could even take a bath instead of a shower.
And when I am done in the bathroom, running into the kitchen to make coffee, I could brew some tea instead. I am not eating breakfast in the mornings, So I could start doing it, or I could implement some running on my trainer before taking a shower or do yoga for half an hour.
Changing your routine or habits sounds easy, but why aren’t we doing it? Why are we clinging to the same old habits day in day out and moaning about them?
It all has to do with willpower. And this is tricky. If I for instance set the alarm precisely to 5.15am getting up straight away, instead of 5 am and snoozing a few minutes, I would lose a few minutes of comfortable snuggling and dreaming before emerging into the real world, which for the moment is sort of rewarding to me. So I need to reward me for getting up straight away after the alarm went off?
Could be the answer. But what could the reward be for getting up immediately?
And isn’t it falling from one habit into another?
I am a little bit confused here.
Maybe a bad example, but this is exactly what I want to change!
Getting up early. Getting some exercise. Shower or taking a bath, before the next exchange of habits could take place.
Drinking tea instead of coffee, eating or drinking (I am juicing lately, only my juicer and food processor broke simultaneously last week) breakfast and driving a few minutes earlier to work than I would need to. Meaning arriving relaxed and doing things consciously.
What would my reward be for this?
I would be more composed. Have less stress. Could have a few minutes me-time in the mornings, just sitting outside listening to the quietness. Starting the daily routine with a calmer me.
Shouldn’t this be reward enough?
I will keep you informed about this, maybe on a weekly base. Could be another change of action, couldn’t it?
What would you change in your daily routine, just to make your day a little bit brighter for the rest of the year?
Why not trying Reiki to relax, stay healthy and get rid off bad habits?
So lets do it.
Get some changes done and be proud of ourselves for having a strong willpower.
I hope everybody reading this had a wonderful Christmas Season and a Happy New Year.
The new year is already a few days old and most of our New Year resolutions are forgotten already.
Or are you clinging to them this year trying to get them going?
I did, at least with one of my few resolutions. I wanted to share my gift Reiki with as much people around the world as possible.
And I did. I found a way to do it. Here it is:
After my son Matthias died, I found Reiki or Reiki found me, as I love to say. And this was the best thing which could have happened to me.
My Reiki teacher Jutta Dobler is a wonderful person, She taught me Reiki I nearly a year ago.
A few month after that, I again had a nervous breakdown and was back on drugs, anti depressive, Prozac or equivalent to it. Double dose. And I was fine for a while.
I found myself a new, meaningful job, I am working at a kindergarten again, and the kids and also my team are giving me so much to live for again. I am mostly feeling heal again, or at least as long as I am in kindergarten or around the team.
So I decided to stop the drugs again, I did not want to merely function again due to the anti depressive. I wanted to stand on my own feet again, if you know what I mean with this phrase.
And I found back to the roots. I was again hooked on Reiki and asked my teacher, if we could do REIKI II.
Getting a group together, who were equally interested in doing REIKI II, she offered a workshop and here I am, being a REIKI PRACTITIONER, able to share Reiki with everyone who is willing and interesting in it.
Problem was, only a few friends and family were eager to come for sessions and I felt I could not ask them anything for a session. I enjoyed doing the sessions and felt always very light and happy afterwards, but even posting lots of ads on facebook and hanging a few flyer around, I could not attract more clients. Even if I was so grateful and enthusiastic about giving sessions, the clients wouldn’t come.
Talking to my teacher Jutta about this, she identified the problem. The balance of giving and receiving was out. As I felt I couldn’t ask any money for my service of giving Reiki to friends and family, not deciding what would be appropriate to ask other clients, thus mostly not receiving any in return, the balance was not given.
My vision is to share as much of the unconditional love and healing power of Reiki with as much people throughout the world as possible for the highest good of all. So the benefits of distance Reiki healing knocked at my door, which I was able to do now after I successfully received the REIKI II attunement and my certificate of completing the REIKI II workshop.
I thought of opening a website with an online shop for distance Reiki healing sessions to buy.
It would give me the opportunity to share my gift and light
with a lot of people and I would reach people, who would not have the time or opportunity to go to a Reiki Healer in person to receive the wonderful feeling of Reiki.
Tonight I finished the website and put it online.
Please feel free to click on the link and give your personal impression and comments. Feel free to share the site with people in need for a Reiki session or book one for yourself, your friends, family or pets.
Help me to keep my light shining for the highest good of all.
May you have the time of your life during 2014 and beyond.
Our new family member ABBY, a white labrador puppy……
A few days ago I created two butterfly feeder.
As it was raining and overcast a bit, I never spotted any butterflies at all til today.
This morning my son said, I cannot let the dogs out, as there are hundreds of bees in the tree outside the terrace.
I could hear them humming……..what now?
I asked my husband to come and look, but he went into a frenzy, as he was attacked by bees years ago in his workshop in Okahandja. He had to undergo medical treatment amongst several other people around that area. One old man was actually lying on the street covered in bees, almost dead. One courageous man with his bakkie stopped and put him on the back of his car. He drove him to hospital, where they both had to get medical treatment as well.
Anyway, it sounded as of the buzzing bees were multiplying in our tree.
Maybe it is my butterfly feeder with its sugary syrup inside attracting the bees, I thought. Even if not one bee was sitting on it. I got me some scissors went outside cutting off the feeder and plunging it into the green garbage bin, which was located far away from the house. I was not afraid at all, like I used to be, but my only concern were the dogs, who might get stung by the bees while trying to catch and snapping at them. And of course the nervous state my husband was in by now, trying to figure out how to climb out of the bedroom window, as he was horrified to go past the tree on his way to the car. Actually he would have needed a ball cutter, as we have burglar proof in front of all the windows. And it would be lying in the garage, past the tree.
Luckily after a few minutes the humming stopped. Most of the bees were gone.
My two butterfly feeder broken in the trash.
While cleaning up the puppies pooh from the terrace, since Sunday we have a new family member, a white Labrador puppy, called Abby now.
She was supposed to be called Angel, but after two days we decided this was not an appropriate name for her as she is up to lots of mischief, even getting her way with our two other dogs Baloo and Jackie.
So we came up with Abby, short for Abigail. We also opted for Sammy, short for Samantha, but it is not such a popular name for a dog here in Namibia……
Anyway while cleaning up, my attention went back to the” bee tree . There were two tiny white butterflies dancing around the crown of the tree, a few bees were still sucking on the flowers and a yellow/black huge, beautiful butterfly was flying around back and fro from my garden into the neighbor’s garden.
Ok, I thought, now that I have thrown away your food you are coming, why haven’t you been here before?
I went around the tree, seeing that it is in full bloom now, after a few days of a bit of rain. Maybe the bees were attracted by the flowers, I thought, and after all not by my sweet-smelling butterfly feeder.
Ok then, I thought, went straight to the garbage bin to get the feeder out again, but the glass plate was broken now. I took it out, went to the fridge to get the brown frozen banana out and cut it in pieces. I divided the fruit into two bowls, a smaller one for the pink and white Macrame hanger and a flat bowl, which I placed directly into the creeper
where the beautiful huge butterfly went passed all the time while flying to the neighbors and back into our garden.
The coincidence, if it is at all, is that when I hang up the feeder I thought, not that I am attracting all the bees around this area to my garden, instead of the butterflies.
Fact is, the butterflies are coming in steadily. The bees are here as well. The feeders are up again, even if the insects are still only sucking all the nectar out of the freshly blooming flowers, instead of nipping at the smashed brown banana,which I heard would attract lots of butterflies.
Nature has its own course…..and watch out what you are thinking. It might come true.
So have a lovely day now and a wonderful weekend coming up with lots of seasonal greetings from me.
Love and light
Friday 25.May 2012
It was around 8h00 pm.The telephone rang. Hans answered his cell and talked for a few moments. Everything was still fine. The kids, Tyler and Ethean, were still running around playing. Michelle and I were laughing and talking, Ralph and Charles most probably played darts. The fire was scorching, the meat already spiced. We were having an ordinary Friday evening braai. Up to the point when the telephone conversation was over, than the nightmare began.
Now it happened, Hans said, they rolled the car. It sounded like he made me responsible for it in a way. He always sounds like that when something out of his control happens, or maybe it is just my imaginations, my way of responding to bad news. My perception of feeling offended, of feeling maybe I could have been preventing this.
Time stood still for a moment. I was sitting down, asking what happened. Hans could not tell much, he said Ute told him that the car rolled, Sven was fine, Matthias was injured, they already called the ambulance and are on their way to the farm, half way Okahandja.
Ambulance, ambulance, ambulance! So it is serious, I thought. I started to cry.
Michelle tried to call Matthias on his cell. Sven answered. He said Matthias is lying on the ground, freezing and in pain.
Is he awake, can he talk? Michelle was hearing Matthias’s voice for the last time, when Sven handed the phone over to him then. He said he cannot talk much, as the pain is too severe and he is freezing. Michelle ordered Sven to get everything he could find and cover Matthias with it. It was not much I suppose as they only wanted to take the farm boy and his child to the main road to Otjiwarongo, which would normally only take about half an hour, before they would be back at the farm.
When Michelle told me, I started to cry even harder. I guess deep inside I knew this was very, very serious. It was as I could feel his agony. It took my breath away.
I want to drive to the accident scene as well, I cried. Why did Ute not fetch us immediately, after she heard about the accident and took us with to the scene?
The WHYS started than and wouldn’t even stop now, 19 month after Matthias’s death, accompanied by IF ONLY.
Each of us grabbed a jersey or pullover, it was May and the winter in full blast, my poor child lying on the freezing ground somewhere between Okahandja and Otjiwarongo on a gravel road in such a pain, he couldn’t even talk on the phone, another stab into my hurting heart. Where were the angels, why would God do something like this, when I always prayed to them to bring my kids home safely? I started to doubt their existence. What did I do to deserve this? Why Matthias? I was overwhelmed by anxiety and suspicion.
Half way from Windhoek to Okahandja I sobbed. Why isn’t Ute calling? She promised to call as soon as their neighbour farmer, who was about 15 minutes away from their farm, would arrive at the scene, to bring warm blankets for Matthias. It couldn’t take so long, it was over an hour after the first call already and nobody informed us about anything. Michelle offered to call Ute. She said they are only halfway from Okahandja to Otjiwarongo. The farm is about 70 km to the right before Otjiwarongo. To mine opinion they should have arrived already. I felt something is fishy here. Up to today I do not know if that was only my imagination running wild with me, but it felt as we were deprived of the truth than.
We stopped in Okahandja to get some petrol. Even Hans was alarmed now and shouting why is nobody calling us. He grabbed the phone and called Toni. No answer. He tried Ute, no answer. Damn what the hell is happening there at the scene? We drove on. I was sitting at the back rocking back and fro like a child trying to get some comfort by doing this. I banged my head against the front seat screaming I can’t take it any longer, I can’t stand this pain! I felt awful, like someone was grabbing and pulling my heart out. I so wished the whole time, that Matthias would be still alive, when I would arrive. I wanted to hold him, to keep him warm and safe in my arms and was still so far away from him, feeling his discomfort, his incredible pain, trying to hold on for me. Deep in my heart and soul I sensed the truth, he wouldn’t live. He would die.
I glanced through the window and watched the stars. I knew I had to do this now. Even though I so wanted that my child would live, survive, I thought I would sit on his hospital bed forever, until he is fine again, I knew it was time to pray. And I started:
Dear God, angels, guardian angels of Matthias, whoever is responsible now, you may take him home now. Take him immediately, as I cannot stand that he is in terrible pain any longer, just waiting for me to see him living. Please take him Home, take him now, I want him to be without pain and in peace. I somehow will survive this, I am not sure how, but please release him from this agony. Embrace him into your wings Archangel Michael, keep him save and in peace. I do not want to be selfish anymore, as I do not know how to stand the anguish of losing him, but I am his mother, I have to protect him and save him of all the suffering, I am ready to take over, I have to, as long as he is released of his torture. Take him now, please. Amen.
Suddenly I felt an inexplicable feeling warming my heart and spreading through my entire body. I thought how is this possible, feeling so peaceful, knowing that my son just died. DIED? Yes I knew, the angels have taken him to heaven right in that instant. He was gone, dead, but free of his horrible pain. And slowly the awe-inspiring feeling of unconditional love gave way to the excruciating truth: Matthias is dead… I lost my son,…he is gone… I will never see or hear him again…
The truth, the pain, the anxiety hit me with such a force, it took my breath away. I began to weep again like I could never stop again.
The telephone rang. It was Frank. He was looking after a farm in the opposite direction of where we were heading. Michelle had informed him about the accident, before we drove off in Windhoek and he was alarmed and worried about what was happening. We could not tell him much than, but Michelle promised to phone him as soon as we would arrive at the accident scene.
Time was dragging by. A little spark of hope flamed up in my heart. Maybe he wasn’t dead at all. Maybe it was only my imagination before. I looked up and saw that we were at the junction to turn off right onto the gravel road to the farm. Hans stopped.
He phoned Toni and this time he answered and said, we should wait there, as the ambulance was there and it would drive to Otjiwarongo soon and we could just follow.
Ambulance? So he is alive, my head screamed. But my heart said, no, you know that he is gone with the angels already. No, the ambulance will drive him to the hospital now, we have to follow.
Time went by and no ambulance came. I got really panicky, knowing deep down in my heart that this could not be true, that the angels have taken him to heaven in that instant where I felt the unconditional love. But my ego could not accept and was hoping.
Phone again, I shouted, what is taking them so long? Hans phoned. He just said ok, we are coming. He turned right onto the awful gravel road. What is going on? I asked. I don’t know, Hans said and I knew he was lying.
It was only a few minute down the road to the accident scene, but it felt like we were driving even longer as we already did. Then I saw a blue light, red lights and as we came closer, I could see people standing in the bush down the left side of the road. Hans stopped and as I climbed out of the car, all the people standing there turned their heads towards me and I yelled, more to myself, to my voices in my head, see, I knew he is dead already. I started running toward them. Where is my son, where is Matthias? Ute and Hans stopped me holding me tight. I tried to escape. I wanted to see Matthias, but they kept holding me back.
Matthias is not with us anymore, Ute said.
I know that already, said a voice in my head.
I want to be with my son, where is Matthias, let me go, I screamed.
He is gone. He is no longer with us, Claudia. He is dead. You cannot see him.
I screamed, I wailed, I howled, I yelled. I was hysterically. Constantly trying to get out of the grip of Ute and Hans, I wanted to go to Matthias.
Mama, Mama, Mama, where are you. I was yelling into the night, looking up to the stars. Mama, Mama, Mama.
Why are you screaming Mama, she is not dead, Matthias is dead, you should scream Matthias, not Mama, said the voice in my head.
I could hear someone shrieking, yelling and moaning so loud that I got goose bumps all over.
Was it me?
Stop screaming, look around, Ralph is standing at the car, he is weeping, Sven is sitting in the car, also weeping, you gonna make it more difficult for them when you behave like this. Stop now!
I looked around. Michelle was on the phone, talking most probably to Frank. How will he cope, all alone without his family around him, without me, holding him?
Don’t be kidding, If you lose it like this, you are not any help at all for him.
I ignored the voice in my head. I have never felt any pain like this before, even when I lost my first son Sascha 3 days after birth because of a heart defect. I felt if I would stop screaming, I would not be able to breath anymore.
I don’t know how long I was fighting the arms holding me tight. I don’t know how long I kept screaming at the stars, calling my mother. I felt all the eyes of the people staring at me with pity. It made it even worse. The staring made me feel uncomfortable, asking me to stop.
Stop looking at me, the voice began again, I cannot stop I have to scream for my son. Just stop looking. I will continue screaming, no matter what you might think.
Michelle came closer, trying to comfort me. Ute said, I should not go to Matthias, while taking his last breathes his face, arms, hands….swelled up and he was not looking good.
I want to be with him, see him one last time, I pleaded.
Michelle said she would go and look at him for me, removing his necklaces and bracelet.
She came back, shaking her head, meaning I should not go at all.
Is my son looking like a monster now?
Can’t I hold his hand for a last time, please?
Michelle talked to the medic and they covered Matthias with a blanket, just leaving his right hand uncovered. I walked slowly to the ambulance. I saw his arm. Still covered by the blue jersey he had worn this morning,
I could still see him standing in the doorway that morning, typing something into his cell, before he left. An hour later he came back with Toni’s car, as he had forgotten something for the riffle, they intended to shoot game on the farm over the long weekend. When he went back outside into the car, he hooted and asked me to close the gate, as he left the remote in his own car. He waved….this was the last time I saw him alive.
I saw his hand. It looked a little swollen. Actually it looked like a little chubby baby hand. Everybody was watching me, ready to jump at me, should I try to uncover Matthias completely. But by now I was so petrified to even look closer at his hand. I wouldn’t dare to uncover him completely. I could not bring myself to go closer, the words echoed in my mind .
He is swollen up, he is not looking nice, just remember him as you saw him last, I turned around, not having touched his hand at all. I was scared now.
I cannot do this. I started screaming again.
Can anybody give this woman an injection to calm her down?
No, we are not authorised to do that. She has to drive to the hospital for that.
I don’t want to calm down, but if you are not allowed to give injections, what are you doing here? Aren’t you medics? Aren’t you here to help? Have you given Matthias any pain killing medicine at all, or did you leave him to suffer in agony up to his last breath? Why for God’s sake are you here then?
Just to lay the dead body into the ambulance, not allowing his mother to even see and touch her son for the last time? Instead scaring her with horror imaginations to stop her from this last honour she could have given to him?
Why wouldn’t Hans allowed me, fight for me to see my son for a last time? No, he even helped to keep me away. To protect me? From what? My own son?
I surrendered. I helplessly walked slowly to my car, touching Ralph on his shoulder. He was still crying, holding Matthias’s leather band with the nyami nyami in his hands. The silver necklace was burning into my flesh around my neck. Still warm from his body? Or was it cold, as he was lying more than 4 hours after the accident happened on the cold, cold ground fighting death, before the ambulance came to help him. Why were they so late? Why didn’t they send a helicopter to help my serious injured son?
Questions still haunting me today, lingering around, recurring each time I see an ambulance.
Begrudged I closed the car door, waiting for Hans to climb in and drive home. Why wouldn’t he persist driving to the hospital with Matthias or the police station to confirm and give details and information to them himself? Even when I agreed to go home? He should have known me better, should have known that this would mean the world to me. But I kept quiet. I was too tired to fight anymore. Maybe it was better to drive straight home, as Frank was waiting there for us. He drove home in the middle of the night just to be there for us.
Home – what would our home be worse now? My family torn apart, forever one empty chair reminding me that my family, our home not being complete anymore.
I opened my eyes and looked outside the window. Suddenly my attention was drawn towards the traffic signs beside the road. Whenever we came closer to a sign a strange light was sparkling around the sign. Was it my imagination, the tears in my eyes, or the head lights? I wasn’t sure. But it was repeating itself whenever I looked up when a sign was close by. It felt somehow like the unconditional love of the angles I felt before. Not so intense, but it was similar.
At this instant, writing this just now, I know that Matthias was intending to make me aware of the signs he would through into my life from that moment on. And I have received multiple signs since then in thousand different forms. But I come to this later.
Whenever we drove through the night afterwards I looked closely at the traffic signs coming up. I never ever have seen the strange glimmering around the signs since that night.
Finally we were home again. I opened the door, saw Frank sitting at the dining table and started to cry again. He stood up, took me into his arms, holding me very , very close and for the first time since the phone call I felt a little bit of compassion and understanding. I was glad that he immediately packed his bag and came home from the farm in the middle of the night, not taking any loopholes or finding excuses not to be there for me. He would stand up for me fighting my fights for me from that moment on, as I wasn’t in a condition to do it for myself.
to be continued….
Copyright Claudia Schönmetzler 2013
- Matthias Schoenmetzler – missing you than never before. Wished I could´ve spend the last few hours with you. There is no day where I am not missing you…we all miss you. Things seem to be so much harder without you. When I am home, it feels like an empty place. Your closet is still like it was before you left. I always beg mom not to empty it – in case you come back….and the bakkie is fixed, ready for you to go. Next destination: Farm I guess?? Hehe. I never gave you a chance to take the dogs along – wish I did. The other day I remembered that you still owe me a hundred bucks…the next day I found ten € on the street. Guess you calculated in the interest? Clever boy. Planing on having a spit braai when Im back home – I remember you runnig aroung with the syringe filled with the marinade….made me think of you like a junky….
Found this ….`A little bit country`, guess you would´ve liked it, dont you?
Going to my apartment now…my girl is paying me a visit… I can see that dirty smile on your face, whipe it off!! Keep an eye on us…and…Pay me a visit, will you?
This, above, is the latest Facebook entry for and about Matthias
and a few older ones, below this words, from friends and family, all saying the same that you have been such an incredible, amazing and lovely person and we are all trying so hard to live without you on this earth. Hoping we will see each other again when time is right. Missing you so much. We never thought we will make it this far without you, but we are all so amazingly strong:
each one in his/hers special way and
ALL FOR ONE AND ALL FOR LOVE (and one for all, being a favorite song of mine)
and time flies, never stops for you to catch up, but we are still only making little steps forward, sometimes a few back, but then again forward again. I do my best, as I always think you would want me to be happy again, living life to the fullest.
I try, I really do, sometimes I am even forgetting the pain for a few hours, especially when I at work at kindergarten. the little ones are always showing me the bright side of life, shining their light for me. But on my way home I feel the pain creeping back inside me.
Ute said this morning, maybe we should move again. We’ve been only here for three weeks in this house when you died, so we have not so many memories with you in this home, but maybe the memories of the seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, month, year after your death are haunting us here. Maybe……but I guess even a new home will not fill the hole you left in our hearts when you died.
So we keep being strong for you and for each other. Only this brought us thus far. The thought of making you happy wherever you are. And I guess you are made out of the same wood as your mother, you can only be happy when your closest family and friends are happy.
So happy it will be from now on.
Alles gute mein maat obwohl du nicht mehr bei uns bist denken wir noch so viel an dich. Hoffe du enjoyst das noch da oben HDL — with Matthias Schoenmetzler.
Matthias Schoenmetzler, Happy Birthday to a dear friend, you’ll be special to me until the end. Celebrate today and know this is true, My life has been blessed because of you.. Alles gute, vermissen dich sehr.. HDL
Letztes Jahr haben wir heute deinen 21sten gefeiert. leider können wir heute deinen 22ten nicht mit dir feiern weil du jetzt schon fast seit einem Jahr an einem ganz besonderen Ort bist! Pass auf Dich auf da oben! Happy Birthday Matthias Schoenmetzler !!
Oft denke ich daran, wie schön es wär mit dir zu reden. Oft habe ich den Wunsch du wärst nie gegangen, es hätte uns viel leid und last ertragen. Zu oft denke ich mit Hass und Wut daran wieso es so gekommen ist. Doch weiss ich das es dir gut geht und ein Wiedersehen ist nicht ausgeschlossen. Pass auf Dich auf! Matthias Schoenmetzler
Je schöner und voller die Erinnerung, desto schwerer ist die Trennung. Aber die Dankbarkeit verwandelt die Erinnerung in eine stille Freude. Denk daran das du nie vergessen wirst auch wenn du nicht mehr bei uns bist!!
Einmal ein Ticket zum Himmel und zurück, bitte. Damit ich meinen Bruder besuchen kann…
Vermisse Dich….hätte Dir so viel zu erzählen!
hab eine geraucht heut abend, zu himmel geschaut, gesung zu melody von matthias reim-hallo, ich wollt nur wissen wies dir geht.. das was ich dacht kamm aus mein mund, ich hab dann in den wolken geguckt und gehofft dich zu sehen, mit den laecheln das nur du hattest, ich schwoere es dir ich hab dich gesehen, das hoert sich vielleicht bescheuert an aber ich hab dich gesehen, vielleicht meine fantasy aber vielleicht auch nicht, und ich glaub das war sie nicht…