A few days ago I created two butterfly feeder.
As it was raining and overcast a bit, I never spotted any butterflies at all til today.
This morning my son said, I cannot let the dogs out, as there are hundreds of bees in the tree outside the terrace.
I could hear them humming……..what now?
I asked my husband to come and look, but he went into a frenzy, as he was attacked by bees years ago in his workshop in Okahandja. He had to undergo medical treatment amongst several other people around that area. One old man was actually lying on the street covered in bees, almost dead. One courageous man with his bakkie stopped and put him on the back of his car. He drove him to hospital, where they both had to get medical treatment as well.
Anyway, it sounded as of the buzzing bees were multiplying in our tree.
Maybe it is my butterfly feeder with its sugary syrup inside attracting the bees, I thought. Even if not one bee was sitting on it. I got me some scissors went outside cutting off the feeder and plunging it into the green garbage bin, which was located far away from the house. I was not afraid at all, like I used to be, but my only concern were the dogs, who might get stung by the bees while trying to catch and snapping at them. And of course the nervous state my husband was in by now, trying to figure out how to climb out of the bedroom window, as he was horrified to go past the tree on his way to the car. Actually he would have needed a ball cutter, as we have burglar proof in front of all the windows. And it would be lying in the garage, past the tree.
Luckily after a few minutes the humming stopped. Most of the bees were gone.
My two butterfly feeder broken in the trash.
While cleaning up the puppies pooh from the terrace, since Sunday we have a new family member, a white Labrador puppy, called Abby now.
She was supposed to be called Angel, but after two days we decided this was not an appropriate name for her as she is up to lots of mischief, even getting her way with our two other dogs Baloo and Jackie.
So we came up with Abby, short for Abigail. We also opted for Sammy, short for Samantha, but it is not such a popular name for a dog here in Namibia……
Anyway while cleaning up, my attention went back to the” bee tree . There were two tiny white butterflies dancing around the crown of the tree, a few bees were still sucking on the flowers and a yellow/black huge, beautiful butterfly was flying around back and fro from my garden into the neighbor’s garden.
Ok, I thought, now that I have thrown away your food you are coming, why haven’t you been here before?
I went around the tree, seeing that it is in full bloom now, after a few days of a bit of rain. Maybe the bees were attracted by the flowers, I thought, and after all not by my sweet-smelling butterfly feeder.
Ok then, I thought, went straight to the garbage bin to get the feeder out again, but the glass plate was broken now. I took it out, went to the fridge to get the brown frozen banana out and cut it in pieces. I divided the fruit into two bowls, a smaller one for the pink and white Macrame hanger and a flat bowl, which I placed directly into the creeper
where the beautiful huge butterfly went passed all the time while flying to the neighbors and back into our garden.
The coincidence, if it is at all, is that when I hang up the feeder I thought, not that I am attracting all the bees around this area to my garden, instead of the butterflies.
Fact is, the butterflies are coming in steadily. The bees are here as well. The feeders are up again, even if the insects are still only sucking all the nectar out of the freshly blooming flowers, instead of nipping at the smashed brown banana,which I heard would attract lots of butterflies.
Nature has its own course…..and watch out what you are thinking. It might come true.
So have a lovely day now and a wonderful weekend coming up with lots of seasonal greetings from me.
Love and light
Friday 25.May 2012
It was around 8h00 pm.The telephone rang. Hans answered his cell and talked for a few moments. Everything was still fine. The kids, Tyler and Ethean, were still running around playing. Michelle and I were laughing and talking, Ralph and Charles most probably played darts. The fire was scorching, the meat already spiced. We were having an ordinary Friday evening braai. Up to the point when the telephone conversation was over, than the nightmare began.
Now it happened, Hans said, they rolled the car. It sounded like he made me responsible for it in a way. He always sounds like that when something out of his control happens, or maybe it is just my imaginations, my way of responding to bad news. My perception of feeling offended, of feeling maybe I could have been preventing this.
Time stood still for a moment. I was sitting down, asking what happened. Hans could not tell much, he said Ute told him that the car rolled, Sven was fine, Matthias was injured, they already called the ambulance and are on their way to the farm, half way Okahandja.
Ambulance, ambulance, ambulance! So it is serious, I thought. I started to cry.
Michelle tried to call Matthias on his cell. Sven answered. He said Matthias is lying on the ground, freezing and in pain.
Is he awake, can he talk? Michelle was hearing Matthias’s voice for the last time, when Sven handed the phone over to him then. He said he cannot talk much, as the pain is too severe and he is freezing. Michelle ordered Sven to get everything he could find and cover Matthias with it. It was not much I suppose as they only wanted to take the farm boy and his child to the main road to Otjiwarongo, which would normally only take about half an hour, before they would be back at the farm.
When Michelle told me, I started to cry even harder. I guess deep inside I knew this was very, very serious. It was as I could feel his agony. It took my breath away.
I want to drive to the accident scene as well, I cried. Why did Ute not fetch us immediately, after she heard about the accident and took us with to the scene?
The WHYS started than and wouldn’t even stop now, 19 month after Matthias’s death, accompanied by IF ONLY.
Each of us grabbed a jersey or pullover, it was May and the winter in full blast, my poor child lying on the freezing ground somewhere between Okahandja and Otjiwarongo on a gravel road in such a pain, he couldn’t even talk on the phone, another stab into my hurting heart. Where were the angels, why would God do something like this, when I always prayed to them to bring my kids home safely? I started to doubt their existence. What did I do to deserve this? Why Matthias? I was overwhelmed by anxiety and suspicion.
Half way from Windhoek to Okahandja I sobbed. Why isn’t Ute calling? She promised to call as soon as their neighbour farmer, who was about 15 minutes away from their farm, would arrive at the scene, to bring warm blankets for Matthias. It couldn’t take so long, it was over an hour after the first call already and nobody informed us about anything. Michelle offered to call Ute. She said they are only halfway from Okahandja to Otjiwarongo. The farm is about 70 km to the right before Otjiwarongo. To mine opinion they should have arrived already. I felt something is fishy here. Up to today I do not know if that was only my imagination running wild with me, but it felt as we were deprived of the truth than.
We stopped in Okahandja to get some petrol. Even Hans was alarmed now and shouting why is nobody calling us. He grabbed the phone and called Toni. No answer. He tried Ute, no answer. Damn what the hell is happening there at the scene? We drove on. I was sitting at the back rocking back and fro like a child trying to get some comfort by doing this. I banged my head against the front seat screaming I can’t take it any longer, I can’t stand this pain! I felt awful, like someone was grabbing and pulling my heart out. I so wished the whole time, that Matthias would be still alive, when I would arrive. I wanted to hold him, to keep him warm and safe in my arms and was still so far away from him, feeling his discomfort, his incredible pain, trying to hold on for me. Deep in my heart and soul I sensed the truth, he wouldn’t live. He would die.
I glanced through the window and watched the stars. I knew I had to do this now. Even though I so wanted that my child would live, survive, I thought I would sit on his hospital bed forever, until he is fine again, I knew it was time to pray. And I started:
Dear God, angels, guardian angels of Matthias, whoever is responsible now, you may take him home now. Take him immediately, as I cannot stand that he is in terrible pain any longer, just waiting for me to see him living. Please take him Home, take him now, I want him to be without pain and in peace. I somehow will survive this, I am not sure how, but please release him from this agony. Embrace him into your wings Archangel Michael, keep him save and in peace. I do not want to be selfish anymore, as I do not know how to stand the anguish of losing him, but I am his mother, I have to protect him and save him of all the suffering, I am ready to take over, I have to, as long as he is released of his torture. Take him now, please. Amen.
Suddenly I felt an inexplicable feeling warming my heart and spreading through my entire body. I thought how is this possible, feeling so peaceful, knowing that my son just died. DIED? Yes I knew, the angels have taken him to heaven right in that instant. He was gone, dead, but free of his horrible pain. And slowly the awe-inspiring feeling of unconditional love gave way to the excruciating truth: Matthias is dead… I lost my son,…he is gone… I will never see or hear him again…
The truth, the pain, the anxiety hit me with such a force, it took my breath away. I began to weep again like I could never stop again.
The telephone rang. It was Frank. He was looking after a farm in the opposite direction of where we were heading. Michelle had informed him about the accident, before we drove off in Windhoek and he was alarmed and worried about what was happening. We could not tell him much than, but Michelle promised to phone him as soon as we would arrive at the accident scene.
Time was dragging by. A little spark of hope flamed up in my heart. Maybe he wasn’t dead at all. Maybe it was only my imagination before. I looked up and saw that we were at the junction to turn off right onto the gravel road to the farm. Hans stopped.
He phoned Toni and this time he answered and said, we should wait there, as the ambulance was there and it would drive to Otjiwarongo soon and we could just follow.
Ambulance? So he is alive, my head screamed. But my heart said, no, you know that he is gone with the angels already. No, the ambulance will drive him to the hospital now, we have to follow.
Time went by and no ambulance came. I got really panicky, knowing deep down in my heart that this could not be true, that the angels have taken him to heaven in that instant where I felt the unconditional love. But my ego could not accept and was hoping.
Phone again, I shouted, what is taking them so long? Hans phoned. He just said ok, we are coming. He turned right onto the awful gravel road. What is going on? I asked. I don’t know, Hans said and I knew he was lying.
It was only a few minute down the road to the accident scene, but it felt like we were driving even longer as we already did. Then I saw a blue light, red lights and as we came closer, I could see people standing in the bush down the left side of the road. Hans stopped and as I climbed out of the car, all the people standing there turned their heads towards me and I yelled, more to myself, to my voices in my head, see, I knew he is dead already. I started running toward them. Where is my son, where is Matthias? Ute and Hans stopped me holding me tight. I tried to escape. I wanted to see Matthias, but they kept holding me back.
Matthias is not with us anymore, Ute said.
I know that already, said a voice in my head.
I want to be with my son, where is Matthias, let me go, I screamed.
He is gone. He is no longer with us, Claudia. He is dead. You cannot see him.
I screamed, I wailed, I howled, I yelled. I was hysterically. Constantly trying to get out of the grip of Ute and Hans, I wanted to go to Matthias.
Mama, Mama, Mama, where are you. I was yelling into the night, looking up to the stars. Mama, Mama, Mama.
Why are you screaming Mama, she is not dead, Matthias is dead, you should scream Matthias, not Mama, said the voice in my head.
I could hear someone shrieking, yelling and moaning so loud that I got goose bumps all over.
Was it me?
Stop screaming, look around, Ralph is standing at the car, he is weeping, Sven is sitting in the car, also weeping, you gonna make it more difficult for them when you behave like this. Stop now!
I looked around. Michelle was on the phone, talking most probably to Frank. How will he cope, all alone without his family around him, without me, holding him?
Don’t be kidding, If you lose it like this, you are not any help at all for him.
I ignored the voice in my head. I have never felt any pain like this before, even when I lost my first son Sascha 3 days after birth because of a heart defect. I felt if I would stop screaming, I would not be able to breath anymore.
I don’t know how long I was fighting the arms holding me tight. I don’t know how long I kept screaming at the stars, calling my mother. I felt all the eyes of the people staring at me with pity. It made it even worse. The staring made me feel uncomfortable, asking me to stop.
Stop looking at me, the voice began again, I cannot stop I have to scream for my son. Just stop looking. I will continue screaming, no matter what you might think.
Michelle came closer, trying to comfort me. Ute said, I should not go to Matthias, while taking his last breathes his face, arms, hands….swelled up and he was not looking good.
I want to be with him, see him one last time, I pleaded.
Michelle said she would go and look at him for me, removing his necklaces and bracelet.
She came back, shaking her head, meaning I should not go at all.
Is my son looking like a monster now?
Can’t I hold his hand for a last time, please?
Michelle talked to the medic and they covered Matthias with a blanket, just leaving his right hand uncovered. I walked slowly to the ambulance. I saw his arm. Still covered by the blue jersey he had worn this morning,
I could still see him standing in the doorway that morning, typing something into his cell, before he left. An hour later he came back with Toni’s car, as he had forgotten something for the riffle, they intended to shoot game on the farm over the long weekend. When he went back outside into the car, he hooted and asked me to close the gate, as he left the remote in his own car. He waved….this was the last time I saw him alive.
I saw his hand. It looked a little swollen. Actually it looked like a little chubby baby hand. Everybody was watching me, ready to jump at me, should I try to uncover Matthias completely. But by now I was so petrified to even look closer at his hand. I wouldn’t dare to uncover him completely. I could not bring myself to go closer, the words echoed in my mind .
He is swollen up, he is not looking nice, just remember him as you saw him last, I turned around, not having touched his hand at all. I was scared now.
I cannot do this. I started screaming again.
Can anybody give this woman an injection to calm her down?
No, we are not authorised to do that. She has to drive to the hospital for that.
I don’t want to calm down, but if you are not allowed to give injections, what are you doing here? Aren’t you medics? Aren’t you here to help? Have you given Matthias any pain killing medicine at all, or did you leave him to suffer in agony up to his last breath? Why for God’s sake are you here then?
Just to lay the dead body into the ambulance, not allowing his mother to even see and touch her son for the last time? Instead scaring her with horror imaginations to stop her from this last honour she could have given to him?
Why wouldn’t Hans allowed me, fight for me to see my son for a last time? No, he even helped to keep me away. To protect me? From what? My own son?
I surrendered. I helplessly walked slowly to my car, touching Ralph on his shoulder. He was still crying, holding Matthias’s leather band with the nyami nyami in his hands. The silver necklace was burning into my flesh around my neck. Still warm from his body? Or was it cold, as he was lying more than 4 hours after the accident happened on the cold, cold ground fighting death, before the ambulance came to help him. Why were they so late? Why didn’t they send a helicopter to help my serious injured son?
Questions still haunting me today, lingering around, recurring each time I see an ambulance.
Begrudged I closed the car door, waiting for Hans to climb in and drive home. Why wouldn’t he persist driving to the hospital with Matthias or the police station to confirm and give details and information to them himself? Even when I agreed to go home? He should have known me better, should have known that this would mean the world to me. But I kept quiet. I was too tired to fight anymore. Maybe it was better to drive straight home, as Frank was waiting there for us. He drove home in the middle of the night just to be there for us.
Home – what would our home be worse now? My family torn apart, forever one empty chair reminding me that my family, our home not being complete anymore.
I opened my eyes and looked outside the window. Suddenly my attention was drawn towards the traffic signs beside the road. Whenever we came closer to a sign a strange light was sparkling around the sign. Was it my imagination, the tears in my eyes, or the head lights? I wasn’t sure. But it was repeating itself whenever I looked up when a sign was close by. It felt somehow like the unconditional love of the angles I felt before. Not so intense, but it was similar.
At this instant, writing this just now, I know that Matthias was intending to make me aware of the signs he would through into my life from that moment on. And I have received multiple signs since then in thousand different forms. But I come to this later.
Whenever we drove through the night afterwards I looked closely at the traffic signs coming up. I never ever have seen the strange glimmering around the signs since that night.
Finally we were home again. I opened the door, saw Frank sitting at the dining table and started to cry again. He stood up, took me into his arms, holding me very , very close and for the first time since the phone call I felt a little bit of compassion and understanding. I was glad that he immediately packed his bag and came home from the farm in the middle of the night, not taking any loopholes or finding excuses not to be there for me. He would stand up for me fighting my fights for me from that moment on, as I wasn’t in a condition to do it for myself.
to be continued….
Copyright Claudia Schönmetzler 2013
- Matthias Schoenmetzler – missing you than never before. Wished I could´ve spend the last few hours with you. There is no day where I am not missing you…we all miss you. Things seem to be so much harder without you. When I am home, it feels like an empty place. Your closet is still like it was before you left. I always beg mom not to empty it – in case you come back….and the bakkie is fixed, ready for you to go. Next destination: Farm I guess?? Hehe. I never gave you a chance to take the dogs along – wish I did. The other day I remembered that you still owe me a hundred bucks…the next day I found ten € on the street. Guess you calculated in the interest? Clever boy. Planing on having a spit braai when Im back home – I remember you runnig aroung with the syringe filled with the marinade….made me think of you like a junky….
Found this ….`A little bit country`, guess you would´ve liked it, dont you?
Going to my apartment now…my girl is paying me a visit… I can see that dirty smile on your face, whipe it off!! Keep an eye on us…and…Pay me a visit, will you?
This, above, is the latest Facebook entry for and about Matthias
and a few older ones, below this words, from friends and family, all saying the same that you have been such an incredible, amazing and lovely person and we are all trying so hard to live without you on this earth. Hoping we will see each other again when time is right. Missing you so much. We never thought we will make it this far without you, but we are all so amazingly strong:
each one in his/hers special way and
ALL FOR ONE AND ALL FOR LOVE (and one for all, being a favorite song of mine)
and time flies, never stops for you to catch up, but we are still only making little steps forward, sometimes a few back, but then again forward again. I do my best, as I always think you would want me to be happy again, living life to the fullest.
I try, I really do, sometimes I am even forgetting the pain for a few hours, especially when I at work at kindergarten. the little ones are always showing me the bright side of life, shining their light for me. But on my way home I feel the pain creeping back inside me.
Ute said this morning, maybe we should move again. We’ve been only here for three weeks in this house when you died, so we have not so many memories with you in this home, but maybe the memories of the seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, month, year after your death are haunting us here. Maybe……but I guess even a new home will not fill the hole you left in our hearts when you died.
So we keep being strong for you and for each other. Only this brought us thus far. The thought of making you happy wherever you are. And I guess you are made out of the same wood as your mother, you can only be happy when your closest family and friends are happy.
So happy it will be from now on.
Alles gute mein maat obwohl du nicht mehr bei uns bist denken wir noch so viel an dich. Hoffe du enjoyst das noch da oben HDL — with Matthias Schoenmetzler.
Matthias Schoenmetzler, Happy Birthday to a dear friend, you’ll be special to me until the end. Celebrate today and know this is true, My life has been blessed because of you.. Alles gute, vermissen dich sehr.. HDL
Letztes Jahr haben wir heute deinen 21sten gefeiert. leider können wir heute deinen 22ten nicht mit dir feiern weil du jetzt schon fast seit einem Jahr an einem ganz besonderen Ort bist! Pass auf Dich auf da oben! Happy Birthday Matthias Schoenmetzler !!
Oft denke ich daran, wie schön es wär mit dir zu reden. Oft habe ich den Wunsch du wärst nie gegangen, es hätte uns viel leid und last ertragen. Zu oft denke ich mit Hass und Wut daran wieso es so gekommen ist. Doch weiss ich das es dir gut geht und ein Wiedersehen ist nicht ausgeschlossen. Pass auf Dich auf! Matthias Schoenmetzler
Je schöner und voller die Erinnerung, desto schwerer ist die Trennung. Aber die Dankbarkeit verwandelt die Erinnerung in eine stille Freude. Denk daran das du nie vergessen wirst auch wenn du nicht mehr bei uns bist!!
Einmal ein Ticket zum Himmel und zurück, bitte. Damit ich meinen Bruder besuchen kann…
Vermisse Dich….hätte Dir so viel zu erzählen!
hab eine geraucht heut abend, zu himmel geschaut, gesung zu melody von matthias reim-hallo, ich wollt nur wissen wies dir geht.. das was ich dacht kamm aus mein mund, ich hab dann in den wolken geguckt und gehofft dich zu sehen, mit den laecheln das nur du hattest, ich schwoere es dir ich hab dich gesehen, das hoert sich vielleicht bescheuert an aber ich hab dich gesehen, vielleicht meine fantasy aber vielleicht auch nicht, und ich glaub das war sie nicht…
After my last post, I was so deep down in my big, black hole again, I thought I will never come out again. I thought I am going crazy now. Its final.
But here I am again.
My grandfather died end of April and Frank came home from Germany for a few weeks to attend the funeral. And a week before he had to go back to Germany, I collapsed. I just started to cry out of nothing, screaming at everybody, I felt so alone deep inside with my pain and sorrow.
It seemed everybody else were going on with their lives, feeling fine, forgetting Matthias and me,being happy, only me going backwards instead of forwards.
I felt confused, lost, angry, sad, alone, crazy. I started to think about weird things, like starting smoking to relieve stress, tension and frustration, or trying to binge eat and ……… to see if this would relieve my bad feelings and also about cutting myself, I would have done anything, just to get rid off this bad feelings inside and around me, this pain, loneliness, I felt lost. Nobody understanding me, I couldn’t hear the usual phrases anymore: GO ON, LET HIM GO, BE BRAVE, TIME HEALS, I AM ALSO FEELING SAD, WHAT SHOULD I DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER bla, bla, bla……if I would have known the answer to that question, I wouldn’t have ask it. I ask my husband, to whom I am married for 26 years this year, he should know me by now, why is he not helping me to feel better. I told them about my weird thoughts, but I think they didn’t take it seriously enough, maybe thinking I had to many pills.
My brave son Frank was the one talking to me seriously, helping me by listening, giving me advice or telling me what to do. So I went to a psychologist. He subscribed anti- depressants again and we talked. I told him the same things I have mentioned above. He advised me to take a break and go away for a few weeks, maybe to visit my mother in Germany. I would have done it immediately, but then I thought, if I am back, the whole thing will start again. You cannot run away. So I looked for another solution. I left my estate agency again and started working as a kindergarten teacher/helper again at a private school here in Windhoek. As I haven’t any diploma or other educational certificates, I am not earning a super salary, but I am finally at the point, where money plays no role in my live anymore, or at least it is not the first priority. I am not going to work to get a salary, I am going to work because I love to be around the kids, to learn and help them to shine their lights and so they do help me to shine my light again. Money helps me to pay for a few bills, like telephone, medical aid for my son, electricity, my cleaning lady and that’s it. I am finally on a good way and I am grateful for that. People who know me quite well tell me that I am a complete new person since I started to work with the kid and I am. I feel better and that is all that counts for me. I realised I do not have to offer my sons a huge bank account and money in abundance, I do have to be happy and content ,to be a good mother to them. Not the money counts, but my support. As I always say: If my children feel happy, I am happy too. And I guess it is the same way around.
My son Frank sent me a beautiful gift the other day. He took my manuscript of my e-book (you can see a lulu button on the right side of the post for my e-book) and printed it in book+form for me
He wrote in front, that he is so proud of me and he is happy to have a family like ours, we are not rich, but we are a family being there for each other when time get tough.
This made me even more proud. I love my children very much and I am standing behind them, no matter what.
I would give my last penny, my right arm or even my last breath for them, if necessary .They are my heartbeat, they keep me going.
I am so grateful to have them in my life. Without them I will never have coped. I love you Frank and Ralph for being here for me.
Love and light
More than a month ago, since my last post.
I haven’t been so well.
This was Matthias‘ birthday on 14.April, he would have turned 22, but is forever 21 now.
We celebrated with coffee and cake as we always do when there is a birthday in the family and even bought him a CD.
Frank and Danika sent flowers from Germany and I bought some white roses for him, as we had in the chapel for him last year.
Shortly afterwards my father in law died.
Here is a photo of Matthias and him in 2009, when Grandpa took him to Germany.
My father- law’s name is Erwin and Matthias’ second name is also Erwin. I don’t know if this says something, but these are things coming up in my mind when I look at the picture.
And then I was back deep down into depression again, was lying in bed for 3 days crying mostly of the time. I am back on anti depression medication 2tabs this time. I have been to a psychologist. Feeling empty, trying hard to find my way back into life again for the second time for my remaining children and my husband.
But I guess until the 25.May is over this year, I will not succeed. This day lays over my life, like a dark cloud.
I do not have the strength to go to Yoga anymore. Maybe it is the winter time, as it is dark already when I should leave home for Yoga in the evening. I do not like the cold neither the darkness.
And I cannot find anymore art & craft things to do to distract me. Not working anymore. But I finished the blanket for little Sabrina:
and Frank took it along to Germany and from there it needs to be posted to Ireland, where my sister and Sabina live.
I hope next time I am posting will be a bit lighter and brighter.
Love and light.
I just read a quote on FB saying something like this: Why not doing absolutely nothing for a whole day- this is good for the soul
And I thought, well, might be true, but why do we feel guilty, as soon as we only think about doing absolutely nothing?
I even feel guilty sitting in front of the laptop, not dressed yet at 10h00 in the morning, even if it is Saturday….my husband is getting his top up session with neuro balance brain optimising, Ralph is getting ready for BIWAK (Windhoek carnival season starting off today) No need to rush at all, but still this nagging feeling, go get a shower and get dressed, do something worthwhile, do the washing, clean the fridge…anything. But do something.
Being an estate agent now, working mostly from home and business being quiet at the moment is getting me down already. Feeling I am not doing enough, while waiting for people to call me about their property, even if I place ads, driving around canvassing (looking for houses) printing pamphlets and distributing them on various parking bays, I still feel guilty not ‘going’ to work, sitting at a desk (even if I do at home) from 8-5 ‘working”.
What defines ‘working’ for us? And what defines ‘doing nothing’?
For me working means doing something to get paid for, making a living. Doing nothing means to me, doing something I do not get paid for, I have fun doing it, doing something not expected from me, like cleaning, doing the dishes and washing, cooking, shopping for groceries ect. Just doing what I love at the moment, like now, I feel like writing this posts.
We are so programmed by society, by our upbringing and about lots of other media, that we do not listen to ourselves, deny our own feelings about what might be good or bad for us, just want to please all others by doing what they expect from us, but not what we, our body and our soul might need the most at the moment. As soon as we do what pleases us the most at the moment, guilt is making its way back into our conscious, or at least this is the situation in my life. And it is hard to deny, to not listen to it, not jumping up, doing the dishes, sweeping the floor or rearranging the tupperware cupboard, but doing what makes you happy at the moment.
It is so ridiculous, knowing you deserve a time out, knowing that the cupboard was cleaned and rearranged the other day, but guilt it something someone planted into your conscious years ago by saying some odd phrases to you and you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Or find a button to just switch it off, not listening to the ‘you should do instead’ phrases. Blend them out. Easy to say, hard to do….any tips are welcome.
Its Monday again, was too busy doing nothing for the whole weekend, so I had no time to finish this post..ha,ha, just kidding….
Ok, Monday….I have not found a way yet, to overcome the terrible guilt I feel by not ‘really working’. I should be happy about knowing I did all I could to promote me as an estate agent, did some canvassing (no results) wrote some ads on FB, reading and answering my mail, confirming a house viewing for Thursday and being at the pharmacist, where we have a lady who is doing Bach Flower Remedy and getting some ‘help’ there for this nagging feeling of being restless, worthless, impatient, feeling guilty.
But I guess the best advice , I read again on Jutta’s blog today, is creating a mantra or affirmation, as she did overcoming the Monday blues by saying “Thank God it is Monday”.( And tomorrow we say “Thank God Monday is over…….)
Lets see if a mantra or affirmation will bring relieve.
What is your experience with doing nothing, guilt and affirmations? Or experiences with Bach Flower remedy or other homeopathic remedies at all?
This is one of the bach flowers in my remedy especially made for me: exactly how I feel right now…
“Those who are liable to times of gloom or even despair, as though a cold dark cloud overshadowed them and hid the light and the joy of life. It may not be possible to give any reason or explanation for such attacks. Under these conditions it is almost impossible to appear happy or cheerful.” - Dr. Edward Bach
Keyword: Depression, deep gloom for no reason
Human indication: When you feel depressed for no reason. Like a dark cloud that destroys normal cheerfulness.
Animal/pet indication: If your pet seems depressed for no reason
And last but not least a few images to cheer us all up:
Coloured Easter Eggs, any tips, news about Colour Therapy?
Amarula Cake made for Easter
My new hobby :crocheting bracelets
Any tips on crystals or semi precious stone beads? Heard to drill a whole into a crystals or stone will affect the vibration?
Ralph’s newest screen printing T-shirt, done yesterday evening
A few more granny squares for Sabina’s blanket
And have a lovely week.
Love and light.
Hi, this is another award, I will be proudly displaying in my sidebar and awarding 15 other lovely, inspiring blogs are my absolute delight to do.
Awarding the people who live in the moment,
The noble who write and capture the best in life,
The bold who reminded us what really mattered -
Savoring the experience of quality time.
Winners re-post this completely with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video recorded.
Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW set of people/blogs worthy of the award; and winners notify them the great news.
- What makes a good acceptance speech?
- Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way
- Humor. Keep us entertained and smiling
- Inspiration. Make your story touch our lives
- Get an idea from the great acceptance speeches, compiled in MomentMatters.com/Speech
- Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award
I am so proud and pleased that my blog, which is really close up and personal, finds so many readers who appreciates my open heart writing.
It is almost 1 year now, that my son died in a car crash and writing about it as it is, helped me a lot, but getting so many comments and lovely thoughts from all over the world, from ‘strangers’ are so wonderful and you all helped me pushing through every step I had to go without my beloved son. I am really, really grateful for that and I hope, I am also an inspiration and help for other families going through the same or similar trauma and nightmares.
Thank you very much and
Love and light
THE WINNERS OF THE BEST MOMENT AWARD ARE: randomly selected from all of my followers
- Searching For The Happiness
- Make Believe Boutique
- the wind horse blog
- Seth Adam Smith
- Soul Train
- Winter Owls
- Living Simply Free
- Africa far and wide
- Fun girls live better!
- Parenting And Stuff
Don’t forget to celebrate with your followers! Tweet your success with hashtag #MomentMatters. Congratulations, winners!
Being a bit restless again the last few days, it was time to find a new art and craft project.
As I am hooked on crocheting at the moment, being busy creating a granny square blanket for little Sabina, I remembered a quick diy I read on my favorite blog : Crocheting a bracelet, or necklace out of craft wire and beads.
This is the outcome:
Funky bracelets or necklaces, created in less than half an hour:
This is the art of craft project I love, easy, lovely and done in a short time, before one gets bored or rather impatient to get the finished result.
Me, as always going overboard, just wanted to try it, went to the craft shop and intended to only buy items for around 100.00 Namibian Dollars, but I came out with goods for 200.00 Dollars, as I couldn’t decide on colour of wire and beads (silver, which I actually wanted to buy was out of stock)This means I will have enough stock for about 20 more bracelets/necklaces and I will need an outlet to sell them for me, as I never will use all of them for myself.
I wish all of you a happy and lovely Easter Weekend.
Love and light.
Thank you so much for this award, which you can admire in my side bar on the right side of my blog.
As I have already got it right to display the award and thanked my nominee, I still have to find
7 things about me, you still do not know yet
1. I am a sagittarius
2. I was afraid of dogs as a child, now my dogs sleep with me in my bed
3. Even if I am living in a land (Namibia) where everybody gets exited when it rains, I do not like rain
4. I did a Reiki course and will start to practice Reiki soon
5. I have always been a non smoker
6. I have a certificate in Short Story Writing
7. I am trying to become a vegetarian, but haven’t succeeded yet. Tips and help are welcome
Now I have to nominate 15 bloggers for the award
1. tales of love and chocolate: from Jutta Dobler, my absolute favorite blog
2. Laurie‘s Pride in Photos blog
3. Jen and her Winter Owls blog
4. The Hurt Healer from Carolyn Hughes
9. Angela Inspire 1 Life Everyday
10. Valerie Valerie Davies blog
12. Zen Doe Windhorseblog
These are all blog I regularly read and they are also following me, a huge thank you for that with this award.
I thank you all for being part of my blog.
Today is a public holiday here in Namibia: Independence Day
And this is how I spent the holiday:
Going to my favorite cafe: THE TEAPOT in Ferreiras Nursery
I had the health muffins, but as the service was a bit slow today, when the muffins arrived I already had two cappuccino and I was full.
We took the muffins home in a ‘doggy bag’ and my son ate it in the afternoon, while I was visiting a dear friend.
Whenever we go the this cafe inside the nursery, I buy a flowering pot plant to set aside on the side board for Matthias
Coming back to a dear friend.
I haven’t seen my friend Manuela in a few month. Shortly after Matthias died, I wasn’t able to face a few people in my life, but today I had the impulse to call her and ask her if I could come by for coffee. She is actually living around the corner from where I stay, but I hadn’t the energy or strength to see her, as I was too busy with my own problems and coping with the trauma of losing a child and couldn’t stand to listen to somebody else problems.
Today I felt drawn to her and found the strength to face her again. Felt strong enough to listen to her problems and ups and downs in life and felt good to be there for her. And I am glad I did. We talked for hours and if she wouldn’t have to pick up her son I guess I would still be sitting there.
But as I said, she is just living around the corner and I am sure that we will see each other more often from now on.
Thank you Manuela for understanding my absence, even if we didn’t talk about it at all, but we chatted away immediately as if we have never been apart for month’.
I am glad I can face life and all ups and downs again and be of help just by listening to other people’s concerns.
Without getting treated by Neuro Balance, I wouldn’t be so far now and I am grateful to have done it, even it was quiet expensive, but it is worse every cent.
Have a great weekend (guess I can wish this already, as tomorrow is Friday)
and lots of love and light to all of you.