The year is 8 days old already and I haven’t found any substantial resolutions or goals.
Okay, losing some weight, doing more exercise, eating healthier……the same old things we try at the beginning of the year, each year and forget about it faster than we wrote them down. Already written neatly into my journal, but they don’t count this year.
Let me go deeper into it by introducing myself to the world of the bloggers:
This is me:
46 years old, mother of 4 sons, two of them are angels. My first son died 1988 three days after birth due to a heart failure and my third son Matthias died in May 2012 while being a passenger in a motor accident. He was 21 years old. That day I died too.
But I have to be strong I’ve been told, you still have 2 sons who need you, a husband. You have to go on. And people say I am strong. They admire me for my strength, should I take this as a compliments and be proud of myself?
My first reaction was I want to go away, far, far away up into the mountains. Away from everything, all the memories, the people who want to be nice and considerate, but, not on purpose, but hurt you more with ‘helpful’ suggestions.
I wanted a new life and I still do……and what would be better to start it as at the beginning of a New Year. The question is how. How do you do that? When nobody understands that you cannot go back into old routines, go on with your life as it was previously. Nobody understands why I questioning my previous life? All around me just want to go on and forget, it seems. But my life doesn’t make sense as it is anymore.
Ok, be grateful for every day, for what you have…your family, work, a house, cars, enough money to last you from the 25th of one month to the next. And I am, really, but is this all we are her for on earth? To work, eat and sleep? And die? Is this reality? And if not, what is?
I am reading a lot inspirational and spiritual books, websites and blogs and quotes. I believe in life after death. Even before my son died so tragically. And all the nice quotes and sayings and inspiring thoughts helped me through a lot already, but still I am wondering sometimes how to live them?
I would love to do only what I love, what inspires me, I would stop doing what I am doing (work) right away if I would see a way how to get it right. And here we are again, it all depends on money again, even when they say money is only an illusion and I understand it is, it makes sense to me, but still I cannot just quit my job and start living into the day, reading and writing, doing art, traveling to visit my family overseas…..who is paying for it? Who will pay for my expenses as house loan, petrol, food, studying expenses for my kids, medical aid whatever we need to live up the standard of the common people? The standards other people set up for us. How can we free this illusions? And still provide for our family?
Is there any way to bypass all illusions and start living the life you desire?
I have so many dreams and all are crushed by the money factor. Or is it just me making money the culprit for not being happy?
Money can buy lots of material things, but cannot buy love and happiness ( or could it?) and certainly it cannot bring back the person I so want to be back on earth. So why am I still so dependent on money?
It is an illusion, it cannot buy love and happiness, but if you don’t have enough of it, you are unhappy? It makes no sense to me and I hate myself for feeling to be dependent on it.
Fact is, we have to earn a set amount of money to feel secure and so I am trapped in this mill: working, eating, sleeping….dying, until…….until I will receive my dream job offer and working = doing what I love to do and accordingly money is flowing in abundantly, receiving a million dollars out of nowhere to only do what I love to do for the rest of my life on earth and yet I would gladly give away the million again continuing my life as it is, if I could get back my son from heaven.
If money is only an illusion, why does it affect our whole life either way? Why does it hold us in his claws so tight? And how can we bypass this whole illusion and live happy ever after? Who invented such a influential item and why?
I could ask thousand of more questions about it and the answer will never be found. We are trapped in a circle here.
Fact is, I allow it to have such an impact on me and be so powerful and I will have to find a way to stop the powerful influence is has on me, otherwise I’ll never be happy again.
Have you found a way yet?
Love and light to all of you.