AND HERE WE GO AGAIN or can I find a way to bypass all illusions?

The year is 8 days old already and I haven’t found any substantial resolutions or goals.

Okay, losing some weight, doing more exercise, eating healthier……the same old things we try at the beginning of the year, each year and forget about it faster than we wrote them down. Already written neatly into my journal, but they don’t count this year.

Let me go deeper into it by introducing myself to the world of the bloggers:


This is me:


46 years old, mother of 4 sons, two of them are angels. My first son died 1988 three days after birth due to a heart failure and my third son Matthias died in May 2012 while being a passenger in a motor accident. He was 21 years old. That day I died too.

But I have to be strong I’ve been told, you still have 2 sons who need you, a husband. You have to go on. And people say I am strong. They admire me for my strength, should I take this as a compliments and be proud of myself?

My first reaction was I want to go away, far, far away up into the mountains. Away from everything, all the memories, the people who want to be nice and considerate, but, not on purpose, but hurt you more with ‘helpful’ suggestions.

I wanted a new life and I still do……and what would be better to start it as at the beginning of a New Year. The  question is how. How do you do that? When nobody understands that you cannot go back into old routines, go on with your life as it was previously. Nobody understands why I questioning my previous life? All around me just want to go on and forget, it seems. But my life doesn’t make sense as it is anymore.
Ok, be grateful for every day, for what you have…your family, work, a house, cars, enough money to last you from the 25th of one month to the next. And I am, really, but is this all we are her for on earth? To work, eat and sleep? And die? Is this reality? And if not, what is?

I am reading a lot inspirational and spiritual books, websites and blogs and quotes. I believe in life after death. Even before my son died so tragically. And  all the nice quotes and sayings and inspiring thoughts helped me through a lot already, but still I am wondering sometimes how to live them?

I would love to do only what I love, what inspires me, I would stop doing what I am doing (work) right away if I would see a way how to get it right. And here we are again, it all depends on money again, even when they say money is only an illusion and I understand it is, it makes sense to me, but still I cannot just quit my job and start living into the day, reading and writing, doing art, traveling to visit my family overseas…..who is paying for it? Who will pay for my expenses as house loan, petrol, food, studying expenses for my kids, medical aid whatever we need to live up the standard of the common people? The standards other people set up for us. How can we free this illusions? And still provide for our family?

Is there any way to bypass all illusions and start living the life you desire?

I have so many dreams and all are crushed by the money factor. Or is it just me  making money the culprit for not being happy?

Money can buy lots of material things, but cannot buy love  and happiness ( or could it?) and certainly it cannot bring back the person I so want to be back on earth. So why am I still so dependent on money?

It is an illusion, it cannot buy love and happiness, but if you don’t have enough of it, you are unhappy? It makes no sense to me and I hate myself for feeling to be dependent on it.

Fact is, we have to earn a set amount of money to feel secure and so I am trapped in this mill: working, eating, sleeping….dying, until…….until I will receive my dream job offer and working = doing what I love to do and accordingly money is flowing in abundantly, receiving a million dollars out of nowhere to only do what I love to do for the rest of my life on earth and yet I would gladly give away the million again continuing my life as it is, if I could get back my son from heaven.
If money is only an illusion, why does it affect our whole life either way?  Why does it hold us in his claws so tight? And how can we bypass this whole illusion and live happy ever after? Who invented such a influential item and why?

I could ask thousand of more questions about it and the answer will never be found. We are trapped in a circle here.

Fact is, I allow it to have such an impact on me and be so powerful and I will have to find a way to stop the powerful influence is has on me, otherwise I’ll never be happy again.

Have you found a way yet?

Love and light to all of you.












19 thoughts on “AND HERE WE GO AGAIN or can I find a way to bypass all illusions?

  1. I have no idea what it feels like to go through the depths of grief at the loss of a child. I love your heart wrenching honesty and I wish you much healing and happiness as you continue with the rest of your life.

  2. Hi Claudia,
    I’m very touched to read your blog, and your like on my blog means a lot after reading your story! I don’t have children myself and so cannot begin to imagine what you suffer, but you have all my sympathies!

  3. I can’t think of anything worse than losing a child.. I also think that grief is a process, there’s no quick or easy way through it, and what you are doing and feeling right now is exactly what you need to be doing right now.

    You also sound like a dear friend whose twenty year old daughter died of cancer, Ten years later she said to me that she didn’t regret her daughter’s death because she had learned so much that she would never have done otherwise..
    I think this is what is happening for you, and you’re in a state of transition. Werner Erhard said that confusion is a the step towards a higher level of consciousness.
    Your son gave you a gift – He set you off learning, seeking, exploring and discovering that you are far more than the person you thought you were.
    How do your husband and other sons cope with their grief? Are you able to talk and use the talking as part of your healing process?

    As to money – it’s simply energy. And you feel you don’t have enough energy in your life at the moment. You seem to be doing so much to help yourself that is right… can you take the next step, and put such energy, love and committment into what you are doing that it becomes a refreshment and a joy, and the energy starts to flow again in your heart and your life?
    Do you have the opportunity to help others – this always moves us into another space…

    It feels presumptuous to write this, and I hope it doesn’t annoy you.. I wish you peace of mind, and hope you can take one moment, one day at a time, until you find the secret of life !
    You truly are in the right place at the right time, and all you have to do is accept and surrender to that truth… and know that all is well, there is a bigger picture that we cannot see…yet….
    warm wishes

    • Hi,
      thank you so much for your kind words.
      It means a lot to me and it is much appreciated that,
      that is the reason why I blog, I need your help…your advice, your insides
      your opinion.
      After 8 month today, we cope sort of, but it is not easy.
      But with little steps we manage.

      Kind regards\Claudia

  4. When I look at the death of your older son, what I see is a soul contract… something he has done to help you grow. On a soul level he agreed to this, and from an incredible place of love and grace. We are all angels having a human experience, or should I say “an egoistic experience”. “A soul mate is a class mate in the school of soul”. Every interaction is by design. And right now through blogging, your learning by self-reflection. You’re right where you’re meant to be in this moment in time. This act alone of asking questions and seeking definition, will in itself bring to you clarity.
    If you have any further questions… door is always open, and I’ll leave the light on for you.

    • Thank you so much for this comment. It means a lot to me. I am just a little confused. I f you are talking about my older son, you mean my first born, who died three days after birth (1989). Is Matthias (my third son who die in may 2012) and he one of the same soul?

      • I’m sorry. I was referring to the one who passed in the car crash, and no, they are two different people – not the same soul.
        Your first born passed simply because he was not ready to be in the physical, it was all his own doing, it had nothing to do with you.
        Being in the physical realm is the most difficult, the most challenging, and it takes Great courage to be here. I know, because I came up against that same decision when I was little.

    • Thank you so much for this comment. It means a lot to me. I am just a little confused. I f you are talking about my older son, you mean my first born, who died three days after birth (1989). Is Matthias (my third son who die in may 2012) and he one of the same soul? Why did Matthias had to go?

  5. Hi Claudia,

    I would first like to say, I am so very sorry for the recent loss of your dear son. Feeling lost and confused is understandable. You are grieving and going through a very difficult transition.

    It sounds as though something deep inside is nudging you to make a change, to follow your dreams. It can seem like a daunting task to “change your life”, especially during this time in your grief. Breaking it down into manageable steps may help you feel that you are still moving forward and closer to your goals. I agree with Sandra that you can achieve the life you want. There are ways to realize your dreams with little or no money and while still working. Your blog is a great way to do what you love. You can make it profitable by selling your art and writing through your blog. The steps you take will empower you to keep moving forward, as slowly, your dreams will begin to be realized.
    May I suggest that you begin to visualize what you desire? Speak and think positive thoughts about money and believe you have it in abundance. This is not a quick fix, but in time you will see positive change in your life. When I first heard about the law of attraction, I didn’t understand how just thinking and fooling myself into believing it was true was going to change anything, but in desperation to change my life, I gave it a try. My life has positively changed in ways I could not have imagined. I believe our thoughts, actions and intentions hold a lot of power.
    Blessings and peace to you and your family.

  6. Oh the money trap! The only way out I have found is by snatching bits and pieces of time for yourself. Being creative when you can be, and from the looks of this blog so far, it seems very much like you have great foundations for that and are already actively doing it. (Love those candles and the end of year getaway, and of course cookies!) It is as if in the moments of creation there is a respite from money worries. Maybe it’s an illusion too, but at least it is one that works for me instead of me working for it.

    I think of the free things I can do and read and indulge in those as much as I can along with creating things. It’s the only way I do not feel the trap of money.
    But I think you are right too, at some point a body just wants to get away and follow bliss and feed the soul, but in this world that takes money.

    Here’s to fortune finding its way to you so that you may be freer to do everything you desire in this life that can be done.

    • Hi Odelia,
      thank you so much for your lovely comment. I appreciate it very much. Yeah, since the death of my son I developed an urge to do art&crafts, first I was sitting for hour doing scrap booking his photos, then I started my angel paintings, candle making and art journaling, I love multi media art as well. I forget all around me when I am into art, and of course I love writing, also have a certificate in short story writing, which I obtained years ago. I am planning for years now to write a book and I think strongly the time is right for it now. I am following your blog and as I said in previous comments to other bloggers, blogs and posts like yours are keeping me going, whenever I am down, I open my blog, search the freshly pressed or now I can even go back to my followers and read and read and read until I feel better. Thank you so much for caring.
      Love and light

  7. Hi there. I am not sure of your name but I feel your pain and understand.

    I will get straight to the point. Tragic events in your life have left you wanting more out of life and there is nothing wrong in that. I believe everything happens for a reason, even though it can be so painful and unbearable at times. You must adapt your life to fit with the person you were born to be and are starting to become already. You want to write and do art, so do it. You can self-publish these days and create your own website to sell your artwork or take them to local galleries. You can achieve the life you want, it’s not money standing in your way, it’s the fact you need to re-organise your life to fit in the things you want to do and realising it make take a few years but you will get there, you will earn money to go abroad and you will feel fulfilled. Don’t look back, look forward, take a leap of faith, money is not the root of all evil, money can pay for things that give you pleasure, so do what gives you more pleasure to make you more money. Don’t live in the past, live in the present and shape the future you want to have. Explain it to your loved ones, that it is something you have to do in life and try to get them on board but talk to likeminded people and you will feel better. Don’t settle for what you don’t want and what doesn’t make you happy anymore, reach for the stars and they can be yours. I believe in you so go for it.

    Warm wishes

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