After my last post, I was so deep down in my big, black hole again, I thought I will never come out again. I thought I am going crazy now. Its final.
But here I am again.
My grandfather died end of April and Frank came home from Germany for a few weeks to attend the funeral. And a week before he had to go back to Germany, I collapsed. I just started to cry out of nothing, screaming at everybody, I felt so alone deep inside with my pain and sorrow.
It seemed everybody else were going on with their lives, feeling fine, forgetting Matthias and me,being happy, only me going backwards instead of forwards.
I felt confused, lost, angry, sad, alone, crazy. I started to think about weird things, like starting smoking to relieve stress, tension and frustration, or trying to binge eat and ……… to see if this would relieve my bad feelings and also about cutting myself, I would have done anything, just to get rid off this bad feelings inside and around me, this pain, loneliness, I felt lost. Nobody understanding me, I couldn’t hear the usual phrases anymore: GO ON, LET HIM GO, BE BRAVE, TIME HEALS, I AM ALSO FEELING SAD, WHAT SHOULD I DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER bla, bla, bla……if I would have known the answer to that question, I wouldn’t have ask it. I ask my husband, to whom I am married for 26 years this year, he should know me by now, why is he not helping me to feel better. I told them about my weird thoughts, but I think they didn’t take it seriously enough, maybe thinking I had to many pills.
My brave son Frank was the one talking to me seriously, helping me by listening, giving me advice or telling me what to do. So I went to a psychologist. He subscribed anti- depressants again and we talked. I told him the same things I have mentioned above. He advised me to take a break and go away for a few weeks, maybe to visit my mother in Germany. I would have done it immediately, but then I thought, if I am back, the whole thing will start again. You cannot run away. So I looked for another solution. I left my estate agency again and started working as a kindergarten teacher/helper again at a private school here in Windhoek. As I haven’t any diploma or other educational certificates, I am not earning a super salary, but I am finally at the point, where money plays no role in my live anymore, or at least it is not the first priority. I am not going to work to get a salary, I am going to work because I love to be around the kids, to learn and help them to shine their lights and so they do help me to shine my light again. Money helps me to pay for a few bills, like telephone, medical aid for my son, electricity, my cleaning lady and that’s it. I am finally on a good way and I am grateful for that. People who know me quite well tell me that I am a complete new person since I started to work with the kid and I am. I feel better and that is all that counts for me. I realised I do not have to offer my sons a huge bank account and money in abundance, I do have to be happy and content ,to be a good mother to them. Not the money counts, but my support. As I always say: If my children feel happy, I am happy too. And I guess it is the same way around.
My son Frank sent me a beautiful gift the other day. He took my manuscript of my e-book (you can see a lulu button on the right side of the post for my e-book) and printed it in book+form for me
He wrote in front, that he is so proud of me and he is happy to have a family like ours, we are not rich, but we are a family being there for each other when time get tough.
This made me even more proud. I love my children very much and I am standing behind them, no matter what.
I would give my last penny, my right arm or even my last breath for them, if necessary .They are my heartbeat, they keep me going.
I am so grateful to have them in my life. Without them I will never have coped. I love you Frank and Ralph for being here for me.
Love and light