So here we are again, April again,and my beloved son would have turned 23 on April 14th. But he will be forever 21.
It is 2 years now, nearly 2 years now, he died a month after his 21st birthday, on May 25th 2012.
And so much has happened and changed since then.
We moved again, Frank is in Germany, trying to find a decent study place in the area of Stuttgart and Ralph started working and is more or less happy.
Seems our life is going on, or let me better say it started over, anew.
I should be happy and grateful, as I am flying to Germany in 1 week, but I am not. At least not happy .Why?
I want my old life back.
My life with Matthias on earth.
A happy, content family.
I don’t want to live this life.
I want to be happy again.
I don’t want to pretend anymore. Pretend that I am strong, ok, fine. I don’t want to be 2 persons in one anymore. One who pretends to be happy to make the rest of the world happy.
And one, when alone, so broken and sad, the Mom who is missing her child so much.
One who wants to take the heartache away from the two remaining kids on earth, who might be only pretending as well, that they are feeling good. Just to protect me.
I want our old life back !!!!!
I thought that I am ok and maybe I am sometimes, but at the moment I only feel sad, unhappy, worthless, ungrateful,crazy.
I am only sitting around staring into space and smoking a lot, only when I am alone.
I cannot even say it is tasty or becomes me well. For instance soothing my nerves or helping me to lose weight, but I do. (this is where the craziness comes in).
I am doing things I always disliked. And the things I liked, for instance cooking for my family or having a huge Sunday morning breakfast with the whole family are out since Matthias is gone.
I haven’t really cooked a supper for my family, like I used to do. And we are not having Sunday mornings breakfast anymore, except when we have guests. I haven’t read a decent book and cannot find comfort in doing any arts and crafts anymore, which helped me through the first year after Matthias died. And which I posted a lot here on my blog.
It feels like I am starting at point zero again. I just want to go away and be. Sitting alone in the mountains in a little hut, doing what I want to do, writing, relaxing, staring into nature and just be. Without any worries about others. Just be. And that is where the ungratefulness comes in.
I have a great husband and 2 other kids here with me, why can’t I find comfort in caring for them like I used to? Cooking dinner for them, baking cakes for them? Having fun with them? Being there for them like I should be and used to be? They are all I have now and my reason for going on. But I feel like I am failing for not being there for them as much as I used to be.
On the other hand I know that this is totally crap. I know that we are going through the tough time together, everyone in their own way, that we love each other, but it is not enough for me anymore. I know that, but I cannot feel it as much as I am trying. I cannot find a positive thought, making me feel better at the moment.
And I hope that this is only the time, the dates coming up now, Matthias’ birthday and his second death anniversary, making me feel sorry for myself and that I will be able to pick myself up again and go on with this two personalities of me. The one who wants her old life back, who wants her son back on earth, but mostly wanting her old personality back and the one who has no other choice than to live this life now for the sake of her family, for the sake of her own good.
Fact is when your child dies your life is being separated into two. One before the death and one afterwards. And I must find my way again to live with both. And after pouring my heart out again here on my blog I feel a little bit better and can see the silver lining at the horizon again.
Fact is I lost a lot. A son, a life, some friends and family, who I feel avoiding me, because of my new life, my new personality, my new me.
Which I did not choose, but have no other choice than to make the best of it.
But I also gained a lot.
A new life, or let me better say a different life.
With people getting closer to me than before. Who take and accept me as I am now.
Some are old friends, some are new friends.
And as I said before. I did not choose this. But I have to accept it. And so does everybody else. And we have to make the best of it.
Because it is our destiny.
And I am grateful for everybody who helps me along the way and being there for the different me now.
Lots of love
love you my son!!!!!