I feel it is time for another post.
It is maybe the 20th time I am starting a new post, but I am always procrastinating, another coffee, another cigarette ect and then there is no time for it anymore.
Maybe I am also searching for the right words, for something powerful to say. And I guess this time is now.
Recently my stepfather also went back to Germany for good. He never said goodbye to us and usually I would be kind of angry about it, but something in me changed. I am not, ok my husband is, but that is not my monkey, not my circus. Nice saying, I often read this on fb lately and I am trying to use this words to make me feel better, when something occurs, or better say to stay out of negativity.
First of all I want to address my stepfather now, before I explain why I am feeling that something had changed me, my behavior or looking at certain things, situation with different eyes.

I have to do this now for the highest good of all involved, but especially for the healing of myself.
I am not beating around the bush now, I just say what is on my mind, before I procrastinate again.

Dear stepfather

I know that we had our differences in the past and we never came along very well sometimes. But not everything was bad. I remember our little outings through the Stadtwald Lippstadt on Sundays or the walk through the Trim Dich Pfad. Every Sunday we went to visit our grandmother and had coffee and cake at her home. In the evening, when we went home, sometimes we stopped at the Eisdiele and we all got a treat, and sometimes we just stopped at Salvatore and got pommes and Currywurst. This was always a delight for me. Whenever we went shopping on Fridays we kids could spend DM 2 each to buy us some sweets, chips or cool drink. Sometimes when you came home from work you had an surprise egg or Springbrause for us. Just to name a few impressions I remember now. And most of all, we always had a nice roof over our heads, we had enough food and a warm bed and blankets. And you never ever hit us. This is more than a lot of other children have nowadays and I want to thank you for that now.
When I was in trouble during my 2 1/2 years in Germany, you send me my mom to comfort me. Maybe you did the best you could with 3stepchildren and we tried to do our best as well. Maybe this was not enough sometimes, for me, for you. But nevertheless it was the best we could at that stage.
So here again I want to thank you for everything you did for us in the past and I want to let the bad memories rest.
I wish you and my mom all the best for the second start. Look after her nicely as she is the best mom ever…..
I am so sorry that your mom died and you never had a chance to see her again. I only have good memories of her….

Love Claudia

Whenever I had to visit my doctor after Matthias died, he said that I should try and ask Jesus for help, for answers and he said he will pray for me and my family. A year later, I met a wonderful colleague at work and after a few weeks I found out, that she belongs to the same church as my doctor. Recently, after I had back problems and needed physiotherapy, the lady send me an SMS after my first session, that she wants to pray with me for healing. When I went to her again she took my hand and started praying for me and my family. She also belongs to the same church as the other two beautiful people. I do believe in God and the angels, but never was a keen church goer. My colleague invited me to come with her to church one day and I will go with her in time. She also gave me a bible as a gift. They all belong to the Agape church. I am actually Roman Catholic. But what I have read and heard about this church and people is wonderful. I started praying to Jesus to help me, to come into my heart and I am feeling better than ever now. All the modern holistic books I have read actually reflect the words we can find in the bible. And a lot of positive proverbs and saying do also. No matter how we call it, God, Jesus, angels,and all the different names of other religions, fact is there is a higher power, the universe whatever. And if we believe in it, we will feel better, we feel save, we feel appreciated, we feel good.
We feel loved.
First of all you have to forgive yourself, start loving yourself and the rest will come to you like magic.
Stop your karma now by forgiveness. Be grateful for every little thing in your life. Have compassion for others. Do how you want to be done upon yourself.
I hope, no I know that I stopped the , no I turned the circle of life into the right direction by writing this post, at least what my family concerns and this I have learned by the spirit of Matthias.
As I have said before, these words are hovering in my mind for a long time and whenever I thought about writing this post, I got a sign from him.
A few weeks ago on a Saturday, when I came outside a white dove was sitting in our drive way. When I went inside to get the camera it was sitting in a tree nearby and stayed there for a few days. A few days later it was there again. And even at work in kindergarten the white dove flew over the playground one day, when I was upset.

IMG_2414
Yesterday when I was thinking about to write this post, a tiny little feather was twirling before me for a minute or so, before it landed next to me on the floor. I picked it up and put it in the cellophane bag of my cigarette box, but unfortunately I threw the packed away, before I could take a photo and save it into my little treasure box with all the signs from heaven. Maybe I can get it out later, if it is not so far down into the garbage already and make a photo for you.

Photo1680 Photo1682picked it out with a braai tong

So I will look into my heart now for my higher self, for Jesus, for Matthias, whenever I feel all the monkeys are bothering me again(not my monkeys not my circus) to find my balance again, my peace, myself and let the ego disappear and only find love and compassion for me and for all people concerned for the highest good of all.

NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE WHEN YOU HAVEN’T WALKED IN THEIR SHOES !

Amen, Namaste

Love and light
Claudia

I haven’t read the post through again, so if it is a little bit deurmekaar or got writing errors in it, please forgive.

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