GRATITUDE JOURNALS or my way of spending a few hours in harmony

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image These are 2 of my latest journals I created. I love to loose myself in creating with paper, when I need a few hours to calm down and forgetting….           

I would love to do the ICAD challenge, but need some inspiration and to start tutorials, step by step tutorials or just your ideas and creations tips and tricks. 

I did one card a few days ago, in the dark, before the TV. Theme was rainbows, but I find my card a bit dull. But it is a start, isn’t it? Please send me your ideas and creations . I need to be inspired and motivated.

Thank you so much.

Love and light

Claudia

  

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VIR MATTHIAS of as jou hart sing

When I was on a lodge

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with my husband a few weeks ago, I tried to write something in afrikaans for my beloved son Matthias.

Matthias loved afrikaans music as much as I do.

On our way to the lodge I heard afrikaans music and the lyrics kept spinning around in my head.

Sitting quietly outside my bungalow, I tried to write down what I was feeling.

Here are a few words, for all my afrikaans music loving friends and family.

 

ek sit hier alleen en elke grashalm sing jou wysie

elke voeltjie sing jou lietjie

ek is daar by jou

ek sien jou in die groen van die bos en my hart is vol

ek hoor jou fluister

ek is daar by jou

ek sien jou in elke wonderlike skoonlappertjie

wat rond om my vlieg

en ek weet

jy vlieg saam

hoog hoog bo die donker wolke

wat my hart laat staan

en my lewe duister maak

tog my engeltjie vlieg hoog

verby die donker wolke

en jy vat my saam in die lig

laat die sonstrale weer in my hart skyn

wat vir my se

ek is daar by jou

in elke reen druppeltjie

in elke sonstral

in die vars lug na die reen

is ek daar by jou

en ek voel my hart is vol

vol vrede en tros

vol van liefde van jou

ek is daar by jou

roep die wonders van die wereld

ek is daar by jou

en my hart voel lig

en die donkerheid verdwyn

vlieg hoog my kind

vat my hart saam

en wys my die lig

wat alles beter maak

 

Ek weet nie of all die woorde so geskryf word, maar dit is nie belangrik, solank ek en jy weet, wat ek bedoel

 

vlieg hoog my kind, vlieg hoog

my hart is vol liefde, vol van jou

vir altyd

 

jou Ma

 

 

TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE or the middle way will do

 

 

Reading a facebook post today saying:

trying to see the positive site of life is not so easy

got me into thinking.

I always “preach” the positive thinking, re-post positive quotes, reading and collecting books about positivity like

Abraham- Hicks

Chicken soup for the soul

The Secret and the sequels thereof

Doreen Virtue’s Angel books

Dr. John F. Demartini books

to name a few of my favorites.

And of course everything my dear friend Jutta Dobler writes.

 

But Am I living it as well as I “preach”it?

 

I thought so, but lately there are a few things bothering me a lot.

And this is the problem. Should I name it? Should I tell it? Or should I find a different approach to it? Is it only my Ego speaking, wanting to hurt me? Or is it just me, the whole me, body and soul, who is telling me to get it out, so it can start healing again?

After a few weeks of consideration and reading the sad post on facebook today, I feel obliged, by what or whoever, but I feel I have to write about it. and so be it.

 

Where do I stand here? After nearly 22 month since my beloved son Matthias died?

 

I have been on and off Prozac or equivalent to it, which made me gain over 15 kg. After my latest breakdown in April last year, I had to take double doses to cope. I am off Prozac since November last year again, started smoking instead, to get rid off the restless legs/ panic attacks feelings, which I still get in the evenings. Or I started smoking instead of eating my way through this awful feelings in the evening, to avoid more weight gain. And to try to reduce my weight.

Why? I always say it is not the outside but the inside what counts!!! And still people with their thoughtless comments about being overweight, being on a diet, not eating what they actually love to eat, just to stay thin and unhealthy!

Yes, unhealthy, not being overweight is unhealthy, being too thin is also unhealthy and an addiction. At least in my opinion.

Still I am trying to lose weight and cannot find out, if I am doing it for myself or just to please people, to avoid their comments and the way they look at me.

Or is it just the way I perceive it? Take on their views of it?

I am not doing only unhealthy things to lose weight, but also trying to eat and drink healthy food. I am trying to adapt the vegetarian diet and want to achieve to be a raw food eater. Drinking a lot of lemon water, eating and drinking coconut oil (a teaspoon full into coffee is very delicious) and trying to adapt healthier and cheaper ways of cleaning my house, e.g. vinegar and baking soda.

What about exercise? Good question. I am trying, but I finally realised that the trauma and all the medication had an effect on my physical body. Not that I was an exercise freak before, but sometimes I feel as if I am years and years older than I am actually am. I cannot get up out of a chair without experiencing joint pains all over. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my back hurts.I guess a side effect from all the Prozac? Or is this true, that a huge trauma can change your DNA overall? Please comment on this subject, if you have heard about it or experienced it as well.

And still, my answer to the question:

How are you?

is always:

Fine.

And it seems, that is the answer some people are glad to hear. They expect it to hear. Oh, she is on Prozac, she should be fine…..so we can go on with our lives. Be it in person or via social media…..the people want to hear a lie, or so it occurs to me. Why would they ask then a question like that and be happy with my answer?

I could tell them over and over again, that I am not fine. I could tell them about my aches and pains, but do they actually want to hear it, or is it me, who does not want to get cut off, by their answer and avoid the truth:

Oh yeah, I also have this and this and this…..

I know that they care, but still I feel offended some times. Not understood. Being alone.

Even if I am emotional on a good track, I love my work with the kids, it keeps me going. My own kids are keeping me going. I can live with the loss of my son now, but this does not mean, that I will ever, ever forget him, will forever miss him, will ever and ever have the missing piece in my heart. Will forever be hurt by the loss of my child and the ignorance of some people around me, who I feel, treat me as:

Oh, Prozac, good she is fine, we can go on. No need to be there for her anymore, Prozac will do that job now.

Maybe I am wrong about that and as I have said, I know that certain people really care, but they do not show it to me. Or I cannot longer see it.

Maybe that is also only my perception of the situation.

I tried to figure out, if this is only my ego speaking and a few times I could turn it off before, but as it comes up time and again, I needed to tell it today.

 

My kids are the only hold I have and I will forever stand behind them and do whatever I can to make them happy.

I work really hard and so does my husband and we spent and forever will spend all our money on them. We did this before the accident and we will continue it now. Money has not the same grip on me as before the accident anyway.  But this is hard to understand for some people. And actually I feel I do not have to explain myself here.

I am glad that my eldest son studied for 4 years and did not graduate due to the trauma of loosing his brother. Some say waste of money. I say, you cannot take the knowledge away, or give knowledge to someone due to a piece of paper.

I am glad that he got the offer of his best friend’s father to work for them in the panel beating/spray-painting department, to learn it from scratch.

Even if this is not what he had studied.

I am so grateful, that he is “back”. Alive, happy in his own way.

That is all that counts for me, not the lost money I have spent on his studies or that he has no graduation papers. I know what he is capable of and I need no more proof to just show off to the world.

 

My youngest son is in Germany at the moment, doing temp work for a year now, earning his own living. He is still looking for the right profession to learn.

Some call him to have an attitude and that he should take whatever comes his way.

I say, I am proud of him, not doing so, even if it would mean to pay all my money into his bank account to cover his monthly costs.

He has more or less a dream what he wants to achieve and to become, so he should go for it, even if he has to say NO a few times to opportunities, which would not be his dream carrier, but would earn him money.

So let him have an attitude, but he knows what he wants and lets nothing else stand in his way to reach it, just to please other people.

And this is called courage.

I have no fat bank account behind my name, but I would give all I have to him, in order to help him reach his dreams. And also for his big brother.

I do not ask rent or grocery money from my kids.

I do buy them clothes on my account.

I fill up the petrol tank for them and I am so grateful for every year they still spend at home with us.

This is not payable by any amount of money!

I will buy my child a ticket to come home for Christmas from my bonus every year, even if it means that I could not have a holiday on my own. To be with my son means more to me than money at the bank or a holiday at the beach.

Spoiled? Cannot work with money?

No!

The well-being and the presence of my kids around me are all I need to live. And I so bitterly know, that money cannot buy everything. Even paying for a medical aid for years, couldn’t bring the ambulance, who might could saved Matthias’ life, in time to the accident scene.

In return I am getting all their love. And if they are unconditionally happy, even for a short time, gives me another step back into live. My kids are everything to me. And unconditional happiness is so rare in our lives since Matthias died, that we have to treasure it more than all the money in the world.

 

Where does this bring me back on the positive track again?

 

I guess it is still the fact that counts:

It is not the things people do or say to you which are hurting you, but your own perception of it.

But on the other hand:

 

Don’t do just to please others.

Speak your mind, carefully, and I hope I did here, to get a clear conscious again and to go on then.

 

The secret is to find the balance in all of it.

For me:

 

I have told what was lying heavy on my chest for a long time and while writing this post, my migraine was healed miraculously.

 

For you:

 

Feel free to take out of this post whatever you need along the way, or just ignore.

Your choice.

 

And for the writer of the starter facebook sentence:

Don’t be so hard on you. It is fine to have a bad day once in a while and hang out in sentimental and melancholic avenue, just make sure you turn out of it into the middle way again. Lots of love.

 

 

Love and light

Claudia

Feel free to visit my Reiki Website here

http://www.claudia-schonmetzler.com/320335789/1739309/posting/the-all-important-reiki-message

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A LITTLE UPDATE or HOW TIME MOVES ON

After my last post, I was so deep down in my big, black hole again, I thought I will never come out again. I thought I am  going crazy now. Its final.

But here I am again.

My grandfather died end of April and Frank came home from Germany for a few weeks to attend the funeral. And a week before he had to go back to Germany, I collapsed. I just started to cry out of nothing, screaming at everybody, I felt so alone deep inside with my pain and sorrow.

It seemed everybody else were going on with their lives, feeling fine, forgetting Matthias and me,being happy, only me going backwards instead of forwards.

I felt confused, lost, angry, sad, alone, crazy. I started to think about weird things, like starting smoking to relieve stress, tension and frustration, or trying to binge eat and ……… to see if this would relieve my bad feelings and also about cutting myself, I would have done anything, just to get rid off this bad feelings inside and around me, this pain, loneliness, I felt lost. Nobody understanding me, I couldn’t hear  the usual phrases anymore: GO ON, LET HIM GO, BE BRAVE, TIME HEALS, I AM ALSO FEELING SAD, WHAT SHOULD I DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER  bla, bla, bla……if I would have known the answer to that question, I wouldn’t have ask it.  I ask my husband, to whom I am married for 26 years this year, he should know me by now, why is he not helping me to feel better. I told them about my weird thoughts, but I think they didn’t take it seriously enough, maybe thinking I had to many pills.

My brave son Frank was the one talking to me seriously, helping me by listening, giving me advice or telling me what to do. So I went to a psychologist. He subscribed anti- depressants again and we talked. I told him the same things I have mentioned above. He advised me to take a break and go away for a few weeks, maybe to visit my mother in Germany. I would have done it immediately, but then I thought, if I am back, the whole thing will start again. You cannot run away. So I looked for  another solution.  I left my estate agency again and started working as a kindergarten teacher/helper again at a private school here in Windhoek. As I haven’t any diploma or other  educational certificates, I am not earning a super salary, but I am finally at the point, where money plays no role in my live anymore, or at least it is not the first priority. I am not going to work to get a salary, I am going to work because I love to be around the kids, to learn and help them to shine their lights and so they do help me to shine my light again. Money helps me to pay for a few bills, like telephone, medical aid for my son, electricity,  my cleaning lady and that’s it.  I am finally on a good way and I am grateful for that. People who know me quite well tell me that I am a complete new person since I started to work with the kid and  I am. I feel better and that is all that counts for me. I realised I do not have to offer my sons a huge bank account and money in abundance, I do have to be happy and content  ,to be a good mother to them. Not the money counts, but my support. As I always say: If my children feel happy, I am happy too. And I guess it is the same way around.

My son Frank sent me a beautiful gift the other day. He took my manuscript of my e-book (you can see a lulu button on the right side of the post for my e-book) and printed it in book+form for me

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He wrote in front, that he is so proud of me and he is happy to have a family like ours, we are not rich, but we are a family being there for each other when time get tough.

This made me even more proud. I love my children very  much and I am standing behind them, no matter what.

I would give my last penny, my right arm or even my last breath for them, if necessary .They are my heartbeat, they keep me going.

I am so grateful to have them in my life. Without them I will never have coped. I love you Frank and Ralph for being here for me.

Love and light

Claudia

 

GRATITUDE JOURNAL HAND MADE or getting rid off beautiful paper

My art and crafty site is calling again. Having lots and lots of beautiful papers collecting in boxes I searched the net for a nice way of getting rid off them. This will give me ‘ permission’  to buy new beautiful stuff next time I hit the craft stores without feeling guilty thinking about all the papers I already have in stock.

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When I began, the table looked still very neatly, you don’t want to see it now…my family are complaining already, but they have to keep up with me for a few days, until the crafty urge is fading again….last time it lasted weeks…until the ‘mess” got onto my nerves as well, wandering back into the garage.

I decided on a gratitude journal.

Photo0352 I took some beautiful A 5 papers, decorated them with all sorts of stickers,  die cuts and pins, glued lined paper on labels and added it to some of the papers.

Some I left ‘clean’ for the owner to add some own ideas to it.

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I did some mixed media on a card board for the front and back cover, but found this to stiff with no flexibility at all, so I had to find something different. I might use the covers for a different project, maybe you have an idea for me.

Photo0354Front cover, as on cardboard  is not bendable, so you are not able to turn the page, if you get what I mean…

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Flipping through my papers, I came across a perfect page for the covers

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Photo0356I fastened the papers and covers together with some ribbon, added some pins and chains with charms to it, voila. Finished.

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As I have a few more papers I want to use up, I am planning to do a few more, also different styles and sizes for sale.

Have a nice week ahead.

Love and light.

Claudia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW TO DECORATE FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON ANYWAY….

So tomorrow the Christmas Season starts officially with the first advent and it is also my birthday.
A time I was anxious about this year, because it is the first time without my son Matthias.
People who are following me and knowing me a bit longer know, for all new followers, my son Matthias died in a car crash on 25.5.2012. He was only 21.
At first I did not want to decorate the house or celebrate my birthday at all.
Then I decided a little bit of decoration couldn’t harm and some people are coming over for coffee tomorrow.
And I even created some decorations, which include Matthias in every way.

This is my advent wreath this year.
With photo of Matthias, the little candle holder pots are coming from an advents calendar he had won years ago on a Christmas market and the salt dough decorations, which are glued on the vase, were a present from him. He made them with his teacher in boarding school still.

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This is the little corner close to our dinning table ( supposed to be a dinning table, but is used for several other activities).
The pot with the red candle shows a photo of Matthias and his brother Ralph, which I “decoupaged” a few weeks ago…

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This is close to the entrance. The photo of him are usually hanging on the wall a little bit higher and the beautiful candle holder is a present of some friends from Germany who knew Matthias very well.

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And this is a vase, which my son Frank bought shortly after Matthias’ death and since then it always holds a candle inside, which we light every evening

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So all decoration has some story to tell about Matthias and he is not forgotten ( even if he will anyway never been forgotten…)

Are you including your loved and missed ones in this years Christmas celebration and decoration in a similar way?

photos and comments below are appreciated.

God bless!

DO YOU HAVE DOGS AND WHERE DO THEY SLEEP?

THIS IS BALOO

AND THIS IS JACKIE

They are both 2 1/2 years old.
Since they are with us, they sleep in the house and most of the time in one of our beds. Depending on who leaves the door open, thus inviting them in.
Baloo is lying at the feet, but most of the time now he is choosing the floor, as it is too hot on the bed now.
But Jackie, the little, tiny dog is taking most of the space left on the bed, believe it or not.
You need to make sure, that you are in bed before her, otherwise she stretches herself out in the middle of the duvet, leaving neither my husband nor me enough blanket to cover our bumps.
Throwing her off the bed?
We tried.
Either she growls you off or, if you succeed, she gives you such a ” I am so neglected” look, that you quickly pick her up again and even provide more space for her.
I tried to lock them out, but then the bad conscience kicks in and keeps me awake anyway.
Our dogs belong to the family and we wouldn’t ask any other family member to sleep outside, don’t we?

Where do your dogs sleep?