Reading a facebook post today saying:
trying to see the positive site of life is not so easy
got me into thinking.
I always “preach” the positive thinking, re-post positive quotes, reading and collecting books about positivity like
Chicken soup for the soul
The Secret and the sequels thereof
Doreen Virtue’s Angel books
Dr. John F. Demartini books
to name a few of my favorites.
And of course everything my dear friend Jutta Dobler writes.
But Am I living it as well as I “preach”it?
I thought so, but lately there are a few things bothering me a lot.
And this is the problem. Should I name it? Should I tell it? Or should I find a different approach to it? Is it only my Ego speaking, wanting to hurt me? Or is it just me, the whole me, body and soul, who is telling me to get it out, so it can start healing again?
After a few weeks of consideration and reading the sad post on facebook today, I feel obliged, by what or whoever, but I feel I have to write about it. and so be it.
Where do I stand here? After nearly 22 month since my beloved son Matthias died?
I have been on and off Prozac or equivalent to it, which made me gain over 15 kg. After my latest breakdown in April last year, I had to take double doses to cope. I am off Prozac since November last year again, started smoking instead, to get rid off the restless legs/ panic attacks feelings, which I still get in the evenings. Or I started smoking instead of eating my way through this awful feelings in the evening, to avoid more weight gain. And to try to reduce my weight.
Why? I always say it is not the outside but the inside what counts!!! And still people with their thoughtless comments about being overweight, being on a diet, not eating what they actually love to eat, just to stay thin and unhealthy!
Yes, unhealthy, not being overweight is unhealthy, being too thin is also unhealthy and an addiction. At least in my opinion.
Still I am trying to lose weight and cannot find out, if I am doing it for myself or just to please people, to avoid their comments and the way they look at me.
Or is it just the way I perceive it? Take on their views of it?
I am not doing only unhealthy things to lose weight, but also trying to eat and drink healthy food. I am trying to adapt the vegetarian diet and want to achieve to be a raw food eater. Drinking a lot of lemon water, eating and drinking coconut oil (a teaspoon full into coffee is very delicious) and trying to adapt healthier and cheaper ways of cleaning my house, e.g. vinegar and baking soda.
What about exercise? Good question. I am trying, but I finally realised that the trauma and all the medication had an effect on my physical body. Not that I was an exercise freak before, but sometimes I feel as if I am years and years older than I am actually am. I cannot get up out of a chair without experiencing joint pains all over. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my back hurts.I guess a side effect from all the Prozac? Or is this true, that a huge trauma can change your DNA overall? Please comment on this subject, if you have heard about it or experienced it as well.
And still, my answer to the question:
How are you?
And it seems, that is the answer some people are glad to hear. They expect it to hear. Oh, she is on Prozac, she should be fine…..so we can go on with our lives. Be it in person or via social media…..the people want to hear a lie, or so it occurs to me. Why would they ask then a question like that and be happy with my answer?
I could tell them over and over again, that I am not fine. I could tell them about my aches and pains, but do they actually want to hear it, or is it me, who does not want to get cut off, by their answer and avoid the truth:
Oh yeah, I also have this and this and this…..
I know that they care, but still I feel offended some times. Not understood. Being alone.
Even if I am emotional on a good track, I love my work with the kids, it keeps me going. My own kids are keeping me going. I can live with the loss of my son now, but this does not mean, that I will ever, ever forget him, will forever miss him, will ever and ever have the missing piece in my heart. Will forever be hurt by the loss of my child and the ignorance of some people around me, who I feel, treat me as:
Oh, Prozac, good she is fine, we can go on. No need to be there for her anymore, Prozac will do that job now.
Maybe I am wrong about that and as I have said, I know that certain people really care, but they do not show it to me. Or I cannot longer see it.
Maybe that is also only my perception of the situation.
I tried to figure out, if this is only my ego speaking and a few times I could turn it off before, but as it comes up time and again, I needed to tell it today.
My kids are the only hold I have and I will forever stand behind them and do whatever I can to make them happy.
I work really hard and so does my husband and we spent and forever will spend all our money on them. We did this before the accident and we will continue it now. Money has not the same grip on me as before the accident anyway. But this is hard to understand for some people. And actually I feel I do not have to explain myself here.
I am glad that my eldest son studied for 4 years and did not graduate due to the trauma of loosing his brother. Some say waste of money. I say, you cannot take the knowledge away, or give knowledge to someone due to a piece of paper.
I am glad that he got the offer of his best friend’s father to work for them in the panel beating/spray-painting department, to learn it from scratch.
Even if this is not what he had studied.
I am so grateful, that he is “back”. Alive, happy in his own way.
That is all that counts for me, not the lost money I have spent on his studies or that he has no graduation papers. I know what he is capable of and I need no more proof to just show off to the world.
My youngest son is in Germany at the moment, doing temp work for a year now, earning his own living. He is still looking for the right profession to learn.
Some call him to have an attitude and that he should take whatever comes his way.
I say, I am proud of him, not doing so, even if it would mean to pay all my money into his bank account to cover his monthly costs.
He has more or less a dream what he wants to achieve and to become, so he should go for it, even if he has to say NO a few times to opportunities, which would not be his dream carrier, but would earn him money.
So let him have an attitude, but he knows what he wants and lets nothing else stand in his way to reach it, just to please other people.
And this is called courage.
I have no fat bank account behind my name, but I would give all I have to him, in order to help him reach his dreams. And also for his big brother.
I do not ask rent or grocery money from my kids.
I do buy them clothes on my account.
I fill up the petrol tank for them and I am so grateful for every year they still spend at home with us.
This is not payable by any amount of money!
I will buy my child a ticket to come home for Christmas from my bonus every year, even if it means that I could not have a holiday on my own. To be with my son means more to me than money at the bank or a holiday at the beach.
Spoiled? Cannot work with money?
The well-being and the presence of my kids around me are all I need to live. And I so bitterly know, that money cannot buy everything. Even paying for a medical aid for years, couldn’t bring the ambulance, who might could saved Matthias’ life, in time to the accident scene.
In return I am getting all their love. And if they are unconditionally happy, even for a short time, gives me another step back into live. My kids are everything to me. And unconditional happiness is so rare in our lives since Matthias died, that we have to treasure it more than all the money in the world.
Where does this bring me back on the positive track again?
I guess it is still the fact that counts:
It is not the things people do or say to you which are hurting you, but your own perception of it.
But on the other hand:
Don’t do just to please others.
Speak your mind, carefully, and I hope I did here, to get a clear conscious again and to go on then.
The secret is to find the balance in all of it.
I have told what was lying heavy on my chest for a long time and while writing this post, my migraine was healed miraculously.
Feel free to take out of this post whatever you need along the way, or just ignore.
And for the writer of the starter facebook sentence:
Don’t be so hard on you. It is fine to have a bad day once in a while and hang out in sentimental and melancholic avenue, just make sure you turn out of it into the middle way again. Lots of love.
Love and light
Feel free to visit my Reiki Website here